Monday, September 27, 2010


I'm almost certain I'm going to eventually kill myself. I want to not suffer so much, and this seems like the only way. Plus, I'm really impulsive.

I have a strong urge to kill myself right now cuz I'm feeling uncomfortable about having to do shit i hate. School is too hard, I have to stop going. But, I can't work. The only realistic option i have is living on SSI for the rest of my life. I'm sure I'll do this, i just have no idea how much longer it's going to be.

I don't want to cause other people pain with my suicide. This is why I haven't done it yet. Plus, I don't know what happens after death. I assume it's just like before I was born. Nothing. That sounds like heaven, but what if i just don't remember what I was doing?

I guess it's a possibility, but I have no idea.

Suicide is always seen as something bad, but maybe it will be the best choice I ever make. Or, maybe, like I've done in the past, I'll just keep feeling the pain and hope that it stops. It always stops eventually. My moods change really fast. Within one day I can go from dancing by myself to feeling suicidal. Like, a totally normal day.

Life has been such a dissapointment I don't know if I can hang. I mean, I could, Im just not convinced I'll choose to. uh, whatever. i'll just smoke a cigarette now and maybe feel like dancing in five minutes.

I scared chico and he's hiding under the couch now. I'm definitely not fit to be a paretnt: another major dissapointment. Oh well, I regret being born, my kid probably would too...

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