Wednesday, August 18, 2010

hating class, potential career, and the admittance of wanting only to be a rapper

Boy, am I glad to be out of my statistics class. After years of quiet solitude (not all the time, but a lot) I've grown accustomed to doing what I want. Spending an hour and a half sitting down and listening to someone talk about something I'm not interested in feels like a Herculean task. I wonder if I made the best decision by going back to school. I mean, I think I did, but I hate forcing myself to pay attention in class. It's so tiring. Plus, I feel like if what I'm learning isn't interesting then I should just learn something else. Life's short. I don't wanna spend my limited time focusing on shit I don't care about.

But I also don't wanna have to do farm work (or soemthing like it) all my life. and my parents are glad. But seriously, isn't there a more efficient way of learning? I hate the teacher-student relationship, and I really hate it when I have to listen to someone who doesn't have a pleasant and engaging voice. That's how my stats teacher is. I mean, he's well intentioned, but damn.... this fool is boring. The only time he's really sounded interesting is when he geeks out and talks about something unrelated to statistics. The nerd's got passion, but he's not channeling it for the majority of his lecture. Oh well, I shouldn't bitch so much. I get to go to school and chill while most people have to work all day.

Speaking of work, I've continued to focus on what type of work I'd like to pursue. I have to pick a major at cuesta, and I think I'm leaning towards creative writing. I think I'd love writing tv shows, although I've never done anything like this. I never write stories of any kind, really. Still, I have this belief that I can do whatever I want and freelance copy writing would be a nice way to pay the bills if I couldn't make tv shows. I really want to do something creative.

Really though, I just wanna be a rapper. I just don't think anyone wants to listen to a middle class white guy rap about his disdain for mainstream culture. Lol, maybe I'm selling myself short though, I mean, it's a big market...

Wednesday, August 11, 2010

Writing Exercise

I'm about to try a writing exercise where you write what your doing for ten minutes. K, lets go! I'm typing words on my computer. I'm considering the potential of writing. I'm reflecting on my previous sentence. I'm considering an engaging question to get me thinking. I'm wondering, "what do I wanna write about??"

I'm losing interest in my writing. I'm breathing. I'm meditating. I'm feeling obligated to continue writing. I'm taking a moment to think about what I'm going to write. Ok, I know. I wanna write about the potential of humanity. I'm experiencing joy considering the possibility of helping people through writing. I'm feeling appreciation for the direction I've chosen, and appreciation for this exercise. I'm wondering why I can't always appreciate what's going on. I'm thinking about buddhism; my sense of identity, my emotions.

I'm breathing again. Forgetting as much as I can while keeping attention on my mind. I'm judging my writing exercise, thinking I may have been better off to just meditate for ten minutes. I'm looking at the clock on my computer. I'm laughing at myself for being embarrassed about how lame this blog post is. K, that's ten minutes!

Review: Hm, I felt a little anxious about staying writing. That seems odd considering I was able to write about whatever came to me. Whatevs. Let's see, what themes do I have going here... I'm intrigued by the potential of humanity to gain awareness through words and appreciative of my role. That's good! I'll do this writing exercise again sometime.

Monday, August 2, 2010

Shame: A Reason to Blog

I'm tired of feeling victimized for being mentally ill. The past few years have been rough in a lot of ways, but I don't want to feel defined by my struggle, or really even care that I have been diagnosed bipolar. It seems like it comes up all the time. People are like, "what do you do?" I so wish I had something cooler to say than, "I live off disability for bipolar disorder." It's just not a good pickup line, but, at least I can say it without so much shame.

I was talking about shame with a gentleman in the buddhist group I attend. He told me he had also experienced debilitating shame from mental illness, in this case, depression. He then suggested a book, or maybe it's an audio program, called Radical Self Acceptance. The author is a therapist and buddhist, so I'm sure it's got some great info, but I just love the title. The concept of radically accepting yourself seems inspiring to me, cuz in a lot of ways, I feel like I'm just always beating myself up. I beat myself up for being lazy, for not eating right, for prioritizing debaucherous fun, for looking down on other people's views.... the list goes on. What I'm wondering is if I need to be so hard on myself, or if just a gentle correction would do. I'll try to correct myself as gently as possible and see how it goes.

On an unrelated note, I'd like to blog about why I blog. It's therapeutic, I think I've mentioned that, but nobody reads this blog so it doesn't really matter. This blog is like my online public journal. I also want to develop my writing. Shit, I need to get use to talking about stuff I care about instead of just submitting to whatever is going on around me. This is what I really hate about myself: I never have anything interesting to say when I'm around other people. Hm, this is sounding pretty shallow, but!! this is pretty organic and from the heart, so I'm gonna roll with it! So yeah, I never have anything to say and it's irritating cuz I feel like I have so much to offer, but I'm scared about what people will think about me if I share deeply personal thoughts with them. When I'm alone I'm often in a state of wonder and joy, and I'm engaged in endless fascinating conversations with myself about the nature of nature, emotions, meditation, the power of language, whatever. Conversation always seems topical whether I'm with friends or family. People all over just talk about events that happen in the world: sports games, shit on the news, they're job, whatever. I feel like if I try the shift to conversation to something a little more interesting then I won't be welcomed. Plus, I don't know what to say. I hope with time that I'm able to artfully guide, or at least start, interesting conversations frequently. I have the rest of my life to express myself, improvement is sure to come.