Thursday, September 30, 2010

Food Stamps, Section 8 Housing, SSI

Since I've given up on my dream of having a normal life, I'm now seeking ways to make the most of my situation. It's hard because I always envisioned myself having normal life... even a comfortable one. I thought I'd have a wife, kids, a home, and clothes I wasn't embarrassed to wear. All my brothers do very well for themselves, and I always figured I'd be somewhere on their level. However, these past few years have made me realize that I'm not really in the same league as they are. They can handle much more than I can and not even consider killing themselves. I, on the other hand, can't even pull off nine units at junior college without considering what material I'll use for a noose and where to hang it. Sigh.

I want to spend as little amount of time grieving about my shattered expectations as possible. It's now time to move on, take advantage of being mentally ill, and make an effort to love the life I have. Definitely the best thing about being labeled insane is that it opens up a portal to many social services. I've been getting SSI for five years now and I think it's time to start getting more. I've had several friends tell me that I qualify for food stamps. I think around $150/month. This would great! I'm sure I could make some awesome meals. You can get a lot of food for 150 bucks at Food4Less. Another social service that requires my investigation is section 8 housing. I understand you can get an apartment for just a few hundred dollars a month which would be absolute dopeness. My parents pay for a lot of my rent now, and I want to take as little from them as possible. I feel better about taking from Uncle Sam.

Yeah, I feel better about deciding to embrace my situation as opposed to trying to change it by working or going to school. Why would I choose to give the system a handjob when I could have it give me a piggy-back ride? Well, I'll tell you why. Cuz it's not cool to live off disability, apply for section 8, and get food stamps. Few aspire to live this kind of life and there's definitely some shame associated with taking handouts. Plus, when you don't work, you're signing up for hours of alone time which can take some getting use to. Another horrible thing about not working is that you feel like you're not part of the world. It just keeps spinning without you. It's not uncommon for me to go days without seeing anyone I know in person. The shame, loneliness, and general feeling of not fitting are the reasons why people aren't aspiring to live off the dole. Unfortunately, for me, it's the better option. Fuck it, if I can deal with being labeled insane then I can deal with some people thinking I'm a drain on society.

Wednesday, September 29, 2010

Done With School

Yesterday was my first tutoring session for statistics. Because I'm mentally ill, I qualify for free tutoring. I felt like the hour I spent with the tutor really cleared things up. I tried doing homework today, but was totally lost, so I went to the math lab. I sat down in the math lab, looked at the problem and felt so defeated. Then it was time for a cigarette... actually, two. I came back in, asked for help and the only tutor in there said, "Oh, I don't know statistics." She directed me towards the answer book and I checked it out. It didn't make any sense to me and I left because I needed to cry.

I walked through campus trying to cover up the tears streaming down my face. Thoughts like, "You don't need to be attached to your performance in school," were going through my mind. And they kinda help, but I still have a lot of unpleasant emotions because I care so much about how I do.

When you're diagnosed with a mental illness, people tell you that it doesn't have to hold you back and you can do things normal people do. I'm discovering this to be bullshit. I can't even do math homework without wanting to kill myself.

I have mixed feelings about school. I want to learn and be a contribution to humanity, but I don't want to do it if it's going to be miserable for me. I try to love things that I have aversion towards, but I think for this lifetime, I'm best off not subjecting myself to a traditional western education. It's just like signing up for unnecessary pain with the hope that someday I'll look back and be grateful that I jumped through all the hoops.

I need to do something, but I'm choosing for it to not be school. I don't want to spend anymore time crying on campus :(

Plus, I feel like learning everything that they want me to is just like training myself to give the system a handjob. I'd rather continue learning how to not suffer at my own pace.

I've had the thought, "Well, I'm not insanely delusional at the moment, so I should be working/going to school." But when I actually try to do these things I find myself more miserable than when I spent all my time chilling and smoking herbs. I think I need a break, like, for the rest of my life. All I want is my time to do whatever I want. I hate obligations, needing to be places, listening to people I don't admire. I just have to learn to love my place as a mentally ill deadbeat... I'm barely capable of being that. Not feeling like I want to kill myself require a huge effort, and it's about all I can handle.

That last sentence felt really good. I shouldn't hold myself to the standards for people who aren't tormented by suicidal ideation. Everyone has a different capacity... mine's just a lot smaller than I had envisioned.. o well.

Tuesday, September 28, 2010

No Smoking=More Raging

I've been raging like a bull since I stopped smoking herbs. I'm now much more likely to raise my voice, get angry, and punch walls. It really affects Chico, and he's been spending a little less time with me. I hate it. I hate not having complete control over my emotional response, and I really hate feeling angry. I'll go from being fine to being angry to planning to kill myself in a matter of minutes.

When I start planning how I'm going to kill myself I try to think of things in my life that are reasons to stick around. I try to make killing myself seem irrational, because I intellectually understand it to be. In my logical mind, my frustration and anger is from attachment which I have the power to overcome/let go of. I'll try to clear my mind, focus on my breath, think of my little brother, my nieces and my mom and the emotional pain I can spare them by continuing to endure the shit storm. I can have all these thoughts in my head and still have every fiber of my body saying, "do it. Kill youself! You've fantasized about suicide for years, and for good reason! Your existence sucks! You'll never be able to create a life worth living and you usually bring pain and suffering to those in your life. Sure, people may be initially sad that you're gone, but in the long run, you'll be doing more good by not existing."

It's not fun to imagine killing yourself, but it feels like the only solution. You know, I'm still not convinced that I was worse off smoking pot all day long. I have noticed some major benefits from abstaining from weed, however. I'm more talkative now and feel like I'm relating to people better. I feel more connected with the people around me. I've also been having a lot of lucid dreams, which are always fun. My sleep, in general, is really bad. I mean, I like what sleep I get, but I wake up at the tiniest sound or discomfort. Since I haven't been smoking pot, I wake up many times during the night. Like every hour or two. My sleep is very choppy, but I've learned to not let that make me get frustrated, or else I'd never sleep. I try to accept it and just feel grateful for having such few responsibilities that require my alertness. I really am grateful for that. I'm glad my mental illness is recognized as an actual illness, or else everyone would just think I'm a lazy asshole. The truth, I feel, is that I just have these intense emotions, and dealing with them is about all I can handle. Which kinda sucks, cuz my lack of ability to do normal things is very debilitating when it comes to making money. And it's really hard to attract a mate when you're super poor. Being bat shit crazy doesn't help much either. Fuck it, I can jack off the rest of my life and not care too much... who am I kidding, NO I CAN'T. I know I'm a little different, but there's gotta be someone for me. I feel like girls should be competing for me, but that's probably just another grandiose delusion... whatevs... you gotta play the hand you're dealt...

I started writing this blog in the mourning at 9am, and now it's 2:47 am.. the next mourning. I grabbed some drinks with some friends and some German boys one of them met. We got down at the Library (one of the more ghetto bars in SLO) and it was a fun night. On our way back home, we ran into some guys who wanted a cigarette. I always give cigarettes to people who ask appropriately, and these guys did, so I kicked 'em one. Right after that, one of the three guys asked my platonic girlfriend for a hug, and she gave him one. Unfortunately, for him, his drunk ass decided it would be a good idea to grab her butt. She was like, "WTF, don't do that!" I said, "WTF did you just do." He replied, "Hey man, she's the one that gave me a hug." He didn't know I hadn't been smoking herbs, and had the rage of bull. I knocked this little tatted bitch down after he threw the first punch. I kept socking him in his head until his friends came up and broke it up. They weren't gonna jump me... I just kicked 'em a grit. I'm a nice guy, but I will not hesitate to regulate on a white trash motherfucker who crosses the line. That fool is lucky I didn't stomp on his head, cuz that was definitely my next move.

Events like these are why I consider myself a mediocre buddhist. I definitely do not adhere to the eight-fold path, but, I do practice a ton of mindfulness, compassion, and sympathetic joy. Perhaps, someday, I'll decide its worth my time to not swear, do drugs, and not engage in sexual misconduct, like the Buddha advised. But until my own logic decides these things are not worth my time, I'll continue to be a down-ass motherfucker. I fancy myself a psychonaut with a passion for mindfulness. This way I don't trip when I have to beat some fool's ass. Compassion, to me, has always come in many forms.

Monday, September 27, 2010


I'm almost certain I'm going to eventually kill myself. I want to not suffer so much, and this seems like the only way. Plus, I'm really impulsive.

I have a strong urge to kill myself right now cuz I'm feeling uncomfortable about having to do shit i hate. School is too hard, I have to stop going. But, I can't work. The only realistic option i have is living on SSI for the rest of my life. I'm sure I'll do this, i just have no idea how much longer it's going to be.

I don't want to cause other people pain with my suicide. This is why I haven't done it yet. Plus, I don't know what happens after death. I assume it's just like before I was born. Nothing. That sounds like heaven, but what if i just don't remember what I was doing?

I guess it's a possibility, but I have no idea.

Suicide is always seen as something bad, but maybe it will be the best choice I ever make. Or, maybe, like I've done in the past, I'll just keep feeling the pain and hope that it stops. It always stops eventually. My moods change really fast. Within one day I can go from dancing by myself to feeling suicidal. Like, a totally normal day.

Life has been such a dissapointment I don't know if I can hang. I mean, I could, Im just not convinced I'll choose to. uh, whatever. i'll just smoke a cigarette now and maybe feel like dancing in five minutes.

I scared chico and he's hiding under the couch now. I'm definitely not fit to be a paretnt: another major dissapointment. Oh well, I regret being born, my kid probably would too...

Monday, September 20, 2010

Manic as a Motherfucker

I've been feeling pretty manic this past week, but it really caught up with me today. I haven't been taking my risperdal over the passt couple months, minus the past few days, but I really should have been.

I stopped cuz I hate how it makes me lethargic and gain weight. Tomorrow, however, I'll be back at mental health to get a shot of Risperdal Consta.

I burst out into tears a few minutes ago while considering the loss that I experience from being mentally ill. I'll probably never get to be a dad or support myself financially. These common things are way beyond my ability as a mentally ill person. It's sad for me. I want a family, and I want to be able to take care of other people, but I know I don't really have the ability to be that stable and reliable. I hate being mentally ill. It's by far the worst thing that's ever happened to me. It's also hard for the rest of my family. My dad told me that dealing with my illness was the hardest thing he's ever done, and that included leaving his wife, and life, to be gay. This is tough shit.

I can't keep up with my classes. I couldn't go today cuz I was trippin' so hard. I also couldn't keep my mind still enough to do the homework. As I type this, I'm thinknig much faster than usual, and having trouble typing to keep up with my racing mind.

RRR. I hate this shit. I fucking hate my mind and it makes me wanna kill myself so much. Normies should wake up and thank their lucky stars every mourning. Actually, life seems to suck for just about everyone, so fuck your lucky stars. They aren't really lucky... just balls of gas, right? Maybe someone stole my lucky stars.

Oh well, on a lighter note, I'm really glad I have chico on days liek this. I didn't see anyone I know today, and it's great to have chico's light presence always around. We hiked today, on the lemon grove trail. It was pretty nice. I really needed to move, and chico was right behind! Gotta love that chihuahua :)

Sunday, September 19, 2010

Drugs, Drugs, Drugs

My appreciation for drugs started when I was twelve. I'd creep into the pantry, poor a generous portion of Black Velvet into a glass, and chug it, no chaser. Had I known what a chaser was, I would have opted for it, but I was an inexperienced drinker. I recall getting faded and loving it. I wouldn't do it often because I was afraid of getting caught. However, once every couple months, I'd sneak a drink to feel that security, confidence, and ease that alcohol is so popular for.

By the time I was 15, I was smokin' herbs. I was already an established rebel in my mind (it takes courage to sneak drinks at 12 years), and smoking pot seemed like the logical next intoxicant to experiment with. Just like boose, I had an instant love for the state that marijuana put me in. I felt like I was in a dream. There's no remembering what you just thought about and everything is always new. I started smoking every couple weeks or so, and by the time I was 17, I was smoking every day. This continued until a week ago, and I have no regrets :)

I didn't try any other drugs during high school except for prescription pain killers. When I got to college, however, I decided it was time to step things up! The first "hard" drug I did was cocaine. I liked it, but it wasn't as cool as weed. It's fun, but expensive as hell, and really takes it outta you the next day. Plus, it makes idiots talk way too much. I still don't understand how people get addicted to it because the side effects seem so bad.

I also tried mushrooms during my first year of college. They totally blew my mind! I had no idea I had the potential to feel like that, and no knowledge about the ego dissolving effects of psychedelics. I thought mushrooms would be like the other drugs I had taken. Ya know, just fun, and just a little different from your normal mind. I was totally wrong. Mushrooms provided me with a view of myself that I had never had, or even conceived of. I looked at myself not as Akasha, but as an aspect of nature. I couldn't realize it before, but on mushrooms, I understood how my mind had created an identity that I believed I was, when in fact, I have little idea of what I am. Sure, you can say I'm a dude. You can even go a little deeper, and say (like a lame ass hippie), "you're pure awareness." Or, "you're the capacity to know." While I find the lame ass hippie views more accurate, they still don't account for all of your experience. Existing is the MOST mysterious thing, but it's easy to forget that. Fortunately, because of mushrooms, it's also easy to remember :)

Later on, I did ecstasy. Ecstasy is awesome. It allowed me to understand sympathetic joy much more than any meditation I've done. BTW, one of my biggest beefs with buddhism is that they don't encourage experimenting with drugs. This is why I don't identify as a buddhist (that, and because a major point of buddhism is to not identify with concepts). I'm a down-ass motherfucker, and have a lot of trouble supporting any doctrine that discourages experimenting with drugs. Anyway, I digress. Ecstasy is cool. It highlights your compassion and joy, and let's you realize how much you love people. A totally straight guy may find himself wanting to give his guy friend a shoulder rub, just to be nice. If that doesn't sound cool to you, you're a douche, and you should go try some e and stop hatin'.

I also had to try acid. I did this for the first time just a couple years ago. I had never had to opportunity to do it before. It's pretty legit laying down and watching your mind form your reality. I mean, you can do it without acid, but a little lsd really spices things up! I also loved the depersonalized hallucinations. I had always thought that your hallucinations would be a reflection of the individual. Ya know, like you'd see what you think about. LOL, NO WAY! I couldn't account for the demons and angels. I mean, I thought I didn't believe in them. I also couldn't account for all of the sacred geometry you see on acid. Drugs definitely have a mind of their own, and they'll let you know about it.

I've tried nearly every drug I could get my hand on. I still haven't done ayahuasca, but I'm sure I will. I hate how our culture has little regard for the wisdom that drugs impart. I mean, even just getting drunk has a lot of benefit. Boose can inform you that your inhibitions are a block to happiness and fun. So, if you're smart, you'll cultivate a less inhibited state, be more open, more spontaneous, and pretty much, just cooler. But if you don't apply introspection to your drinking, and you still love it, you'll probably just end up drinking too much.

By the way, drugs are worthless without introspection. There's little benefit to drugs without being deeply reflective and honest about your experience. I've talked to lots of people who have eaten the same magical mushrooms as I, and they weren't so magical. If you experience a different state, and only describe it as "getting fucked up," then you're not going to learn what the experience has truly given you. But, if you're a good little boy, and use your words, then these same substances can be springboards for deep and lasting insight. And that's what IT is all about.

Friday, September 17, 2010

More Boose, More Memory

Since I stopped smoking weed, I've been drinking every night. Usually just a single high gravity malt liquor tall can. Like a hurricane, steel reserve, or old english. Just a little ghetto brew to take the edge off. Last night, however, I drank for reals, and I had no idea how much my tolerance to alcohol had increased.

Drinking affects you more when your always stoned. When I smoked pot (less than 1 week ago), I would very rarely have more than, like, 8 drinks. I'm a fairly large guy, and regular drinker, so eight drinks isn't gettin' too crazy for me. Last night, however, without large amounts of THC running through my veins, I drank 15 beers, and never felt really intoxicated. I couldn't believe it when I tallied up my brews this mourning. I can't remember the last time I drank so much without feeling really fucked up and forgetting everything.

My memory of last night is crystal clear. I can recall more from last night's drunken wanderings than I could about a typical day of being high. When I smoke, my memory just goes out the window. Last night my friend was talking about something we did a couple weeks ago, and it took me forever to realize what he was talking about. The memory wasn't erased, just very blurry. I was able to recall what we did, but couldn't remember any of the details of it. Like, what we were talking about and how I was feeling. I had even forgotten which friends I was with. Even though I drank 15 beers last night, I can recall all the places I went to, every individual I spoke with, and how my mood was. Weed even made me forget how my normal memory works! hahaha

I mean, I can laugh at it, but there has to be some serious issues about degrading your memory with habitually smoking weed. Of course, nothing comes to mind, but it's gotta make you dumber somehow. This is an effect from dank that never really bothered me. I wonder how my new awareness will serve me. What's life like with a normal memory?? I have no idea... I forgot...

I expect my tolerance to alcohol to decrease as the anxiety I have from not smoking decreases. I know from experience that heightened anxiety increases your tolerance to depressants. Once, while I was hypo manic, I drank a bottle and half of tequila, and didn't puke. I wasn't even doing blow, just had intense energy that alcohol barely effected. Hopefully, in a month or so, I won't need 15 beers to get my party on. But, for now, I give myself complete permission to consume as many budlights as my little anxious body desires.

Thursday, September 16, 2010

New Buddhist Class and Daddy Issues

Last night I went to a class on buddhism in Morro Bay that I signed up for months ago. I'm so glad I went! The teacher mentioned a number of things I haven't heard at the temple I usually attend. We'll also be learning several different types of meditation which I'm looking forward to. The meditation I practice usually is shinay, or, calm-abiding meditation. It involves bringing the attention to the breath, experiencing bodily sensations, and not getting caught up in your train of thought. It's great knowing you have some control regarding how peaceful you feel. I mean, I can't get super pissed and then feel fine just cuz I think about it, but understanding that my pissed offness isn't a direct reflection of the truth usually makes it not last so long. I still get pissed though and scream, "FUCK!", and punch walls... but I only do this a few times a year. It scares my chihuahua, though, and I really wish I had more reserve.

My dad use to tell me that all the time when I was young. "Have some reserve!" Looking back, it's some of the only legitimate advice he gave. His other famous aphorisms included, "There's a time for sex, and it's not in high school." I didn't like this one. Nor did I appreciate, "don't do drugs and don't hang out with others who do."

I wish my father would have given me advice on how to be a great contribution to humanity, but I don't know anyone with parents like that. We're just taught to be good, go to school, work hard and succeed, assuming the status quo brings ultimate peace to the individual and the society. I was never encouraged to think for myself or to question the culture I was born into. I don't feel like my father's son. I don't mind the role, but I feel like a little reflective parcel of creation. Even my identity as a male seems contrived and cheesy... and limiting. Sometimes I prefer to feel like what I would imagine to be a wise old lady, as opposed to my "actual" form of a 25 year old white male. The relationship between identity and feelings is definitely and interesting issue, one that I'm happy to explore. Peace and love, motherfuckers.

Wednesday, September 15, 2010

No Dank Day 2

My body is cookin'. Last night's night sweats were slightly less intense and I woke up feeling a little less nauseous. I'm still sweating on my hands and feet. I feel super spacy, probably because I didn't eat anything yesterday except for a tall can brass monkey. I have some stats homework due today that I haven't done and I don't know if I'm going to be able to understand it in my current state. It's hard enough when I'm not feeling spacy and sick.

I'm expecting another long, anxious day, but I'm really looking forward to being done with the debilitating physical symptoms of this marijuana withdrawal. I had always heard marijuana wasn't physically addictive, but it is. I guess you just have to smoke a good amount before abstaining from it feels like hell.

Tuesday, September 14, 2010

Dying from marijuana withdrawals

Mother fuck, it has been a loong day. The anxiety and energy I have from not smoking is overwhelming. I had a three hour political science class today during which I couldn't stop fidgeting. Between my toe-tapping, drumming, pencil twirling and eventual rocking in my chair, I think it was obvious that I was experiencing some emotional turmoil. On a lighter note, I got a C- on a test I thought I failed.

I almost hit some resin I had in my chillum, but refrained. I've never had such a desire to abstain from pot. I really don't want it to be part of my life anymore... at least that's how I feel now.

Have I mentioned I'm sweating like a motherfucker and nauseus as hell? No wonder I waited so long to stop smoking pot. It's miserable! Oh well, gotta keep truckin'. Hopefully, someday, I'll look back on this decision with joy and gratitude.

I've realized something important lately, and it really sank in today. I've always fancied myself smarter than average. Like, the top 2% of the population. I don't know how I came about this idea (probably a grandiose delusion from being bipolar), but I'm realizing how not true it is. What I am discovering is that i'm of average intelligence, and possibly a little below. I also have a hard time paying attention in class. A really hard time. It feels like torture having to pay attention to stuff I'm not interested in. I also don't appreciate listening to someone much more educated than I am who throws a word I don't know into every sentence. I feel insecure about my vocabulary and education. I grew up on shame and television and it hasn't made for the most insightful adult. I mean, i usually think I'm great, but when I earnestly look at my contribution to humanity I lose my unwarranted confidence. I imagine you can't shame creation, but if you could, i think I'd be a bit of an embarrasment.

Pot Free For 24 Hrs

At this moment, I have been free from marijuana for 24 hrs. I have nearly all of the withdrawal symptoms: night sweats, sweaty hands and feet, insomnia, nausea, no appetite, and I'm very irritable. The only symptom I'm not exhibiting is having a headache which is suppose to be the most common side effect. I'm glad my head doesn't hurt because this inner-unrest and mild nausea is all I wanna deal with.

I've considered quitting marijuana occasionally over the past several years. Before, it always seemed worth it to me. The comfort and relief I got from marijuana compared to the cost (monetary and emotional) was totally worth it. It didn't matter that pot made me lazy and unable to follow complicated thoughts because it kept me from wanting to end my own life. My parents, who aren't afflicted by mental illness, had no respect for my decision to use this wondrous herb. Looking back, I'm really glad I played the rebel and followed my intuition. Pot gave me an appreciation for life that I was blind to. However, I think I've inhaled all the wisdom pot has to give to me now and I'm feeling I'll be best off abstaining from it and pursuing healthier interests.

I'm still fascinated by spirituality and plan on using my new clear head to develop personally. I'll probably attend more buddhist meetings and hopefully start exercising. When I'm high, I usually opt to not go to the buddhist group I like so much cuz everyone there isn't high. Getting high also eradicates any desire to exercise. Not being high should also make school easier, like, a lot easier. I try to not smoke three hours before my class, but even after three hours of not smoking I'm still far from average. The shit makes me dumber... there's no questioning that...

The hardest part of abstaining from marijuana that I foresee is going to be the whole friends thing. All my homies are stoners, and I'm going to want to smoke around them. I don't know people that don't smoke herbs. Oh well, we'll see how it goes down. Wish me luck!

Sunday, September 12, 2010

When i sit down to write it's as if i come face to face with the void itself. The place from which all comes, neatly placed in my head somehow. At the edge of your creativity and staying nice and calm keeps a steady flow of ideas. Until you hit a little insecurity road bump and experience the infamous writer's block. I've suffered a lot from writer's block in the past. Especially during high school when I'd have to write an essay. I'd always struggle to find the words to express whatever idea I had. It's still an issue, which is why I do little exercises like this.

By the way, this blog is a writing exercise, just to get in the habit of writing. I'm also looking to review my thoughts, develop my voice, and connect with anyone with similar interests. I'm not trying to make an interesting blog, I just want to share myself online and rant about shit I hate.

I try not to talk about shit I hate too much because I find it irritating when others do. But I definitely don't mind blogging about it! Here's what I hate: tradition, social expectations, the way children are treated, how much everyone works, the distribution of wealth, being confined to a nuclear family growing up, drug laws, having a gay dad, being heavily dependent on marijuana, being single, being poor, being bipolar, feeling inadequate

Now I'll mention things I love, like: meditating, chico, my plan to live in a van and be a freelance writer, the love and support I get from my family, having lots of unscheduled time to think by myself, not having to work (thanks mom and pop, I swear I'll be worth ur investment someday), the emergence of new culture, entheogens, the power of words, honesty, personal growth, buddhism, reading, writing, sharing ideas, how I treat people, dancing

K, that's enough for now.