Wednesday, September 29, 2010

Done With School

Yesterday was my first tutoring session for statistics. Because I'm mentally ill, I qualify for free tutoring. I felt like the hour I spent with the tutor really cleared things up. I tried doing homework today, but was totally lost, so I went to the math lab. I sat down in the math lab, looked at the problem and felt so defeated. Then it was time for a cigarette... actually, two. I came back in, asked for help and the only tutor in there said, "Oh, I don't know statistics." She directed me towards the answer book and I checked it out. It didn't make any sense to me and I left because I needed to cry.

I walked through campus trying to cover up the tears streaming down my face. Thoughts like, "You don't need to be attached to your performance in school," were going through my mind. And they kinda help, but I still have a lot of unpleasant emotions because I care so much about how I do.

When you're diagnosed with a mental illness, people tell you that it doesn't have to hold you back and you can do things normal people do. I'm discovering this to be bullshit. I can't even do math homework without wanting to kill myself.

I have mixed feelings about school. I want to learn and be a contribution to humanity, but I don't want to do it if it's going to be miserable for me. I try to love things that I have aversion towards, but I think for this lifetime, I'm best off not subjecting myself to a traditional western education. It's just like signing up for unnecessary pain with the hope that someday I'll look back and be grateful that I jumped through all the hoops.

I need to do something, but I'm choosing for it to not be school. I don't want to spend anymore time crying on campus :(

Plus, I feel like learning everything that they want me to is just like training myself to give the system a handjob. I'd rather continue learning how to not suffer at my own pace.

I've had the thought, "Well, I'm not insanely delusional at the moment, so I should be working/going to school." But when I actually try to do these things I find myself more miserable than when I spent all my time chilling and smoking herbs. I think I need a break, like, for the rest of my life. All I want is my time to do whatever I want. I hate obligations, needing to be places, listening to people I don't admire. I just have to learn to love my place as a mentally ill deadbeat... I'm barely capable of being that. Not feeling like I want to kill myself require a huge effort, and it's about all I can handle.

That last sentence felt really good. I shouldn't hold myself to the standards for people who aren't tormented by suicidal ideation. Everyone has a different capacity... mine's just a lot smaller than I had envisioned.. o well.

1 comment:

  1. Let me know if you change your mind on this class or take any other math/stats/econ classes - I've taken plenty of these in my day and can help you out any time. I used to work as a TA at UCSB.

    Phat Al