I've been smoking pot heavily since I was 17. Marijuana gave me hope and appreciation for life when disdain and resentment for society ruled me. The decision to incorporate marijuana into my daily life was an easy one; it's fairly excepted among young people, it's cheap, and makes you feel amazing. And that's not all, there's more that's good about pot:

it makes you giggle
it makes you appreciate food
relieves nausea
makes you aware of your body
it let's you not care about being a loser
aids sleep
and, according to Terrence McKenna, marijuana brings the subconscious mind to the conscious mind

But, marijuana obviously isn't without it's pitfalls. In fact, some of it's positive aspects can also be negatives. Here's the dirt:

It can make you overeat, leading to "weed weight"
it can make you laugh at anything making you seem silly/dumb
it can make you pass out inappropriately
it makes your thoughts and therefore your life extremely unorganized, discombobulated
makes you lazy
it can be habit forming
makes a block between you and non stoned ppl
can produce social anxiety

For me, marijuana has been a life-saver and an addiction. I truly believe had it not been for the relief marijuana provided me in high school that I would have ended up committing suicide. The relief has been undeniably therapeutic when I wasn't open to cognitive therapy or traditional western medicine. But now, I'm open to both, engaged in one, and thinking that it may be about time to put down the bong.

It's not gonna be easy though.

All of my friends smoke pot religiously. I've been smoking with them for years in the area I grew up in. Abstaining from dank would mean not seeing them, or seeing them much less. This would mean I'd be spending a lot of time alone which isn't always my favorite thing to do.

The discomfort of not smoking is another factor keeping me hooked. Just like an opiate addict, if I go too long without smoking, I start to get nauseous. I'll be irritable for about a week, and I'll think about smoking constantly for months after quitting. I've read up and learned that it usually takes about two months before you get back to normal, and even then it takes sustained effort.

It'd be hard and I'd have to find new friends. Hm, I think I'll just keep smoking for now.

This is what happens when you blog to get your thoughts out. You start with an idea "maybe i should not smoke pot" then you weigh it out, and decide, man, that would entail more than I'm willing to do. I'm not willing to part with my stoner friends yet. or am I? Hm, guess I'm not sure. At least I know I'm intimidated by the idea of finding new friends.

I'm also unconvinced that I even want to stop smoking pot. Sometimes I think I'm just way better off spending my time stoned. It may sound ridiculous to many, but there's something liberating about caring so little about yourself. Not that marijuana breeds personal apathy, but superficial concerns like what you do for work, how you look, if what your saying is politically correct seems less important than how one feels and how others feel. I'd rather spend my time trying to make others feel good and feeling good myself than thinking about what I have to do and getting stoned seems to take me out of my critical mind and let's me appreciate life.

But I've been stoned for soo long that maybe I can do this on my own now. I need to stop writing. This is all bullshit.

I may stop smoking, I may not. I think about it. I value self reflection, openness, honesty. I have a deep desire for more connection with people and within myself. I know language is the medium through which the subjective is known, and my ability to connect with will be determined by my use of language; body and verbal. That's all I wanna think about for now. I'm out.

Haven't blogged for a while. I've been mildly depressed. But, for me, mildly depressed isn't such a bad thing. I actually thought I was doing pretty well. I still do think I'm doing pretty well, but anyway, lemme get on with my news. First thing, I quit my farming job. Yup, it comes as little surprise to those who know me that I chose to quit my manual labor job after about two months of work, but, at least I know what's it's like. Secondly, I've decided that I do wanna work, so I'm opening up an outcall massage business in town. I hope I can give one or two massages a day and take some classes at the cuesta. Those are all my plans for now.

Right now I'm hanging out at my Mom's house in Burlingame. I love seeing my family up here. I got an awesome/kinda crazy book the other day that I've been digging, by Terrence McKenna, called Food of the Gods, where he hypothesizes that eating magic mushrooms made us into the linguistic creatures we are today. He really seems to jump to conclusions in his essays, but it's interesting and fun to experience the ideas of such an original and uninhibited thinker.