Tuesday, April 27, 2010

First Day on the Tractor!

That's right, motherfuckers. Today was my first day driving a tractor, and I gotta admit, it's not too shabby. I mean, it definitely beats the hell outta hoeing. It was pretty fun, actually. After another way-too-short tutorial, I had my first job. I can't believe I don't have to be trained for this. My boss, we'll call him O, showed me how to work the gears and the hydraulics, then about two minutes later I followed O to a nearby field. He showed me which field-roads I'd be smoothing out, then asked if I needed more time of him watching me drive. I declined. I knew I had it. The tractor driving went well, without a hitch (pun intended).

Work is going well in general. I feel like I'm a part of the normal society now and it's pretty sweet. Maybe I'll do this for a while. Who knows?

On an unrelated note, the old flame I mentioned in the previous post actually ended up coming back into my life. I'm glad :)

Thursday, April 22, 2010

This is too many days off work now

Still off work due to the rain. It'll be nice to go back to work without being sore!

An old flame called me yesterday. It stirred up a lot of feelings, don't really feel like going into it on here. Long story short, I'm debating about whether I should still talk to this girl. I haven't seen her in a year, but she still calls, and I still like her a lot. I think it's about time to count my losses and forget about her tho...

On a better note, I think I'm at my all time most stable. I've been able to handle my job, and my suicidal ideation hasn't been dominating my brain. Wanting to kill yourself is very draining. I hate it! My mood overall has been much more pleasant than I'm accustomed to. I think I'm slowly getting nicer! Having Chico (my chihuahua) has really helped with my mood. Had I known what a difference a dog would make, I would have gotten one sooner. He's such a little blessing!

I've had so much time off that I feel like I'm back to my old schedule. Wake up, smoke some premium reefer, then go online until ppl get off work, then smoke bowls with them. Yes, it's not that bad of a lifestyle. Though, most would probably find it unfulfilling and tiring, it's been my routine for years.

I was thinking about how my life has been the past few years, and how it would have been different without the mental illness. My bipolar episodes have seriously set me back. But you know what success guru Jack Canfield says... E+R=O, or event plus response equals outcome. I definitely haven't responded well about being crazy. I'm just pissed, mostly. Oh well, can't go back.

this blog is done.

Wednesday, April 21, 2010

थिंग्स ठाट मके यू गो हम्म

No work today. Everything is still too wet from the rain.

One of my brothers has requested a blog: Things That Make You Go Hmmmm!

I'll now share all the things I wonder about... you know, those things that make you go hmmm.

Hmmm. I always wonder how everything we experience as the outside is actually a projection occurring within us. You know, like you look at the wall, and think you see the wall, but what you see is the picture of the wall ur head has made.. IDK, just trips me out.. make me go hmmm

Hmmm. I wonder how words and stories hold our realities together. I often wonder what I'd be like without words defining my experience. I'm just about always engaged in words, whether out loud or in my head, it seems to be constant. Only when I meditate consciously am I not experiencing words.

I also wonder about the nature of words. They're weird if you think about it. Auditory symbols strung together to describe phenomena. I think it's amazing how quickly we're able to articulate our ideas and feelings. We definitely seem designed for speach.

I have many hmmm's about the state of humanity. I have trouble understanding why we don't have easier lives. I think I'd prefer to live as a hunter-gatherer than a modern person. I hear they actually worked about four hours a day, and the rest of their time they spent chillin'. IDK how accurate this is, but I like the sound of it!

Hmmm, I also wonder how we've made it this long without unifying. I guess not everyone feels like a citizen of the world, or the world would be a very different place.

I have hmmm's about me. Hmmm, will my existence always be mysterious? Probably.


Monday, April 19, 2010

Weekend Update

After a long three days at work the weekend finally came. Boy, was I glad to not be at work. That hoe was really testing my patience!

Saturday was sick. Cruzed down to shell beach with some homies. It was beautiful, and even warmer than we expected! We smoked a bleez, drank some beers and finished off the day with a bbq in SLO. Man, I love the easy culture around here. I feel blessed to have friends with similar values!

On sunday I threw a doomer party. For those of you not familiar with westcoast slang, "doomers" is slang for magic mushrooms. We gobbled some and hiked through the oak grove in Los Osos. The canopy of oak trees provides a very majestic environment, perfect for communing with nature. We hiked around for a while and then went to the beach at Los Osos. Or, maybe it's montana de Oro. Anyway, we kicked it on the sandstone and tripped for a few hours. I had an awesome trip. Great collage like visuals with my eyes closed. I'm always amazed and amused by the mushroom experience.

Later in the day, after a nap, I met my Mom for dinner at her friends. My mom's friends bicker and bitch at eachother a lot. When they do, my Mom stares at me and smiles. It is kinda funny. Especially some of the shit the man says to his wife. He'll just rip her one, then she has the worst comebacks! Its pretty funny, but in all seriousness, these people need to grow up a little, don't ya think? Growing up, my parents never fought, and when I hear other couples do it I'm offended. Oh wellzers.

My weekend continues through tomorrow because I don't have to work! I can only work 35 hrs/wk and keep my SSI benefits, so that's what I'm going to do. I don't wanna work anymore than that anyway. This mourning, I woke up at my Mom's, had a lovely breakfast at Coco's, and then my dear mother took me shopping. I got some workboots, socks, chonies, and a pair of basketball shorts. It was definitely time for a little shopping, and I'm so glad my Mom took me! I know what some of you haters might be thinking... "um, Godsent, aren't you 24 years old? Should your mom really be buying you stuff?." I know, it's bad... but I've taken less than one of my five brothers, and I'm friggin' mentally ill. You try being normal when you've been idealizing suicide for over a decade... and believing your moses when you don't wanna end your own life. I'm tellin' you, it's ruff. All of you normies (normie: term mentally ill people use for people not afflicted with mental illness) should be thanking your lucky stars that you still have your sanity. I wish I had mine.

BTW, in case it's not obvious, I'm still absolutely pissed that I have to be mentally ill for the rest of my life. Honestly, I think I preferred denial, and if I could go back I would. Unfortunately, I've been forced forced to accept it. Gotta move forward now.

I just got off the phone with my brother. We had a long talk about goals, life-purpose, and happiness. He's pursuing his dream of being a professional comedian. He hopes to be living from his comedy earnings in three to four years. I'm stoked he's doing this. He is SOO FUNNY! I'm sure he's gonna make it. He goes out and performs every night in San Fran. He's been paid and headlined, and he's only been doing it for under a year. He's totally committed and super hard-working. As for me, I'm just a wannabe renegade guru. I have aspirations of becoming a monk, but am turned off by the required discipline and structure. Oh well, maybe someday. For now, I just wanna get rollin' in my van, chillin' in SF, and seeing my family more often. I'm only about a year away...

Thursday, April 15, 2010

My Dogs Are Barkin'!

Today was my fifth day of work, and I've got to admit it; my dogs are barkin'. Troubled tootsies aren't the only thing I've noticed though. I'm beginning to discover my appreciation for hard work as well as my inner-worker. Trust me, nobody saw this one coming, yet, somehow my lazy never-do-anything-but-smoke-premium-reefer ass has found value in the menial farm work I do. Sometimes I surprise myself.

And on that note, of surprising yourself, I must describe a peculiar experience I had yesterday. I was coming home and listening to country (I'm trying to delve into the culture I find myself surrounded by at work), and I noticed I had no aversion to the lyrics. In fact, I felt I could totally relate to the song. It was about workin' hard, gettin' off, havin' a barbeque, and crackin' a cold one. I heard this song yesterday, and I must have enacted the law of attraction because today I found myself doing these exact four things!

Ah, the perks of a blue collar lifestyle.

Tuesday, April 13, 2010

Hopes and Fears

My brother sent me a text a little while ago

"I'm requesting a blog post today. The title should be 'Hopes and Fears'."

Hence this blog.

Since this is a new blog, and this is my first post, I'll start with a little background info. For starters, I've named myself Akasha Godsent. No, it's not my legal name... and yes, I did name myself while being mildly psychotic. I'm 24 now, and was diagnosed with bipolar 1 disorder when I was 20. I've been through several manic episodes and finally started taking medication in August of '09. 

I'm a bit of a deadbeat. Before I started working on my cousins farm I spent all my days smoking premium reefer and kicking it with the homies.

I just started working (on the farm) and am at a cross roads in my life. Will I learn the value of hardwork and conform to society? Or, will I just continue smoking premium reefer until I'm forced to become a transient? Who know?!

Other than that, I come from a loving and large family. I have five brothers, was born and raised on the central coast of california. Um, what else... I go to Buddhist Temple and practice a lot of Vipassana. Oooh! I'm also an aspiring vandweller and plan to live full time in a class B motorhome within the next year. I'm planning on boondocking (free camping) on the streets of San Fran so I can see more of my family. Ok, that's enough background. Now, onto my hopes and fears.

Hopes. Hm, I do have a lot of them. I hope I can make my life so fulfilling that when I wake up in the mourning I'm just stoked. I've gotten better already. Gone are the days of waking up and wishing I was dead, but I'm still not amped on being me first thing in the mourning. I'm sure I have the potential and feel that if I were just listening to my experience closer, then I'd be able to identify what makes me tick and I'd be able to help myself to feel better while contributing to humanity. Maybe my blog will help with this!

I hope I can have work that is gratifying to my heart. I don't wanna slave away just so the upper-middle class can enjoy their organic baby greens. Not for the rest of my life at least.

I hope I can have a relaxed life and have enough time for introspection and meditation. I hope I can have open, honest and intimate relationships with everyone in my life.

I hope I can live comfortably and stay in a flowy state most of the time.

Now for the fears. #1 Fear, by far, is that I won't be able to take care of myself. This has been my fear since I was able to conceptualize that I'd have to work to survive. I've never felt like I could do it... like, it's just too hard and beyond me. I know it's not really logical, but I seriously have this fear and don't really understand it.

Fear #2: I'm going to remain a lazy creature of habit and smoke my way to homelessness. I'm going to alienate myself from society, stop bathing, and continue to blame "the man" for everything in my miserable life. Pretty much fear #1.

Fear #3: I conform to society, get some job I hate, and spend all my time jumping through hoops... more or less giving the man a handjob. This is what I was going to do before I dropped out of college. It would also involve me being around a bunch of other hoop jumpers who just do things cuz they're expected of them. I have no interest in being around these wankers.

Fear #4: I live a life of mediocrity and experience little love.

I seem to be preoccupied with "making it." I'm fearful about being inadequate and hopeful about being fulfilled. Standard shit, right? I think so. One more fear

Fear #5: I become a vandweller and am too weird for anyone to be friends with.

There you have it, folks. My hopes and fears.