Tuesday, April 13, 2010

Hopes and Fears

My brother sent me a text a little while ago

"I'm requesting a blog post today. The title should be 'Hopes and Fears'."

Hence this blog.

Since this is a new blog, and this is my first post, I'll start with a little background info. For starters, I've named myself Akasha Godsent. No, it's not my legal name... and yes, I did name myself while being mildly psychotic. I'm 24 now, and was diagnosed with bipolar 1 disorder when I was 20. I've been through several manic episodes and finally started taking medication in August of '09. 

I'm a bit of a deadbeat. Before I started working on my cousins farm I spent all my days smoking premium reefer and kicking it with the homies.

I just started working (on the farm) and am at a cross roads in my life. Will I learn the value of hardwork and conform to society? Or, will I just continue smoking premium reefer until I'm forced to become a transient? Who know?!

Other than that, I come from a loving and large family. I have five brothers, was born and raised on the central coast of california. Um, what else... I go to Buddhist Temple and practice a lot of Vipassana. Oooh! I'm also an aspiring vandweller and plan to live full time in a class B motorhome within the next year. I'm planning on boondocking (free camping) on the streets of San Fran so I can see more of my family. Ok, that's enough background. Now, onto my hopes and fears.

Hopes. Hm, I do have a lot of them. I hope I can make my life so fulfilling that when I wake up in the mourning I'm just stoked. I've gotten better already. Gone are the days of waking up and wishing I was dead, but I'm still not amped on being me first thing in the mourning. I'm sure I have the potential and feel that if I were just listening to my experience closer, then I'd be able to identify what makes me tick and I'd be able to help myself to feel better while contributing to humanity. Maybe my blog will help with this!

I hope I can have work that is gratifying to my heart. I don't wanna slave away just so the upper-middle class can enjoy their organic baby greens. Not for the rest of my life at least.

I hope I can have a relaxed life and have enough time for introspection and meditation. I hope I can have open, honest and intimate relationships with everyone in my life.

I hope I can live comfortably and stay in a flowy state most of the time.

Now for the fears. #1 Fear, by far, is that I won't be able to take care of myself. This has been my fear since I was able to conceptualize that I'd have to work to survive. I've never felt like I could do it... like, it's just too hard and beyond me. I know it's not really logical, but I seriously have this fear and don't really understand it.

Fear #2: I'm going to remain a lazy creature of habit and smoke my way to homelessness. I'm going to alienate myself from society, stop bathing, and continue to blame "the man" for everything in my miserable life. Pretty much fear #1.

Fear #3: I conform to society, get some job I hate, and spend all my time jumping through hoops... more or less giving the man a handjob. This is what I was going to do before I dropped out of college. It would also involve me being around a bunch of other hoop jumpers who just do things cuz they're expected of them. I have no interest in being around these wankers.

Fear #4: I live a life of mediocrity and experience little love.

I seem to be preoccupied with "making it." I'm fearful about being inadequate and hopeful about being fulfilled. Standard shit, right? I think so. One more fear

Fear #5: I become a vandweller and am too weird for anyone to be friends with.

There you have it, folks. My hopes and fears.

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