Manic as a Motherfucker

I've been feeling pretty manic this past week, but it really caught up with me today. I haven't been taking my risperdal over the passt couple months, minus the past few days, but I really should have been.

I stopped cuz I hate how it makes me lethargic and gain weight. Tomorrow, however, I'll be back at mental health to get a shot of Risperdal Consta.

I burst out into tears a few minutes ago while considering the loss that I experience from being mentally ill. I'll probably never get to be a dad or support myself financially. These common things are way beyond my ability as a mentally ill person. It's sad for me. I want a family, and I want to be able to take care of other people, but I know I don't really have the ability to be that stable and reliable. I hate being mentally ill. It's by far the worst thing that's ever happened to me. It's also hard for the rest of my family. My dad told me that dealing with my illness was the hardest thing he's ever done, and that included leaving his wife, and life, to be gay. This is tough shit.

I can't keep up with my classes. I couldn't go today cuz I was trippin' so hard. I also couldn't keep my mind still enough to do the homework. As I type this, I'm thinknig much faster than usual, and having trouble typing to keep up with my racing mind.

RRR. I hate this shit. I fucking hate my mind and it makes me wanna kill myself so much. Normies should wake up and thank their lucky stars every mourning. Actually, life seems to suck for just about everyone, so fuck your lucky stars. They aren't really lucky... just balls of gas, right? Maybe someone stole my lucky stars.

Oh well, on a lighter note, I'm really glad I have chico on days liek this. I didn't see anyone I know today, and it's great to have chico's light presence always around. We hiked today, on the lemon grove trail. It was pretty nice. I really needed to move, and chico was right behind! Gotta love that chihuahua :)