Mother fuck, it has been a loong day. The anxiety and energy I have from not smoking is overwhelming. I had a three hour political science class today during which I couldn't stop fidgeting. Between my toe-tapping, drumming, pencil twirling and eventual rocking in my chair, I think it was obvious that I was experiencing some emotional turmoil. On a lighter note, I got a C- on a test I thought I failed.
I almost hit some resin I had in my chillum, but refrained. I've never had such a desire to abstain from pot. I really don't want it to be part of my life anymore... at least that's how I feel now.
Have I mentioned I'm sweating like a motherfucker and nauseus as hell? No wonder I waited so long to stop smoking pot. It's miserable! Oh well, gotta keep truckin'. Hopefully, someday, I'll look back on this decision with joy and gratitude.
I've realized something important lately, and it really sank in today. I've always fancied myself smarter than average. Like, the top 2% of the population. I don't know how I came about this idea (probably a grandiose delusion from being bipolar), but I'm realizing how not true it is. What I am discovering is that i'm of average intelligence, and possibly a little below. I also have a hard time paying attention in class. A really hard time. It feels like torture having to pay attention to stuff I'm not interested in. I also don't appreciate listening to someone much more educated than I am who throws a word I don't know into every sentence. I feel insecure about my vocabulary and education. I grew up on shame and television and it hasn't made for the most insightful adult. I mean, i usually think I'm great, but when I earnestly look at my contribution to humanity I lose my unwarranted confidence. I imagine you can't shame creation, but if you could, i think I'd be a bit of an embarrasment.
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