I've been smoking pot heavily since I was 17. Marijuana gave me hope and appreciation for life when disdain and resentment for society ruled me. The decision to incorporate marijuana into my daily life was an easy one; it's fairly excepted among young people, it's cheap, and makes you feel amazing. And that's not all, there's more that's good about pot:

it makes you giggle
it makes you appreciate food
relieves nausea
makes you aware of your body
it let's you not care about being a loser
aids sleep
and, according to Terrence McKenna, marijuana brings the subconscious mind to the conscious mind

But, marijuana obviously isn't without it's pitfalls. In fact, some of it's positive aspects can also be negatives. Here's the dirt:

It can make you overeat, leading to "weed weight"
it can make you laugh at anything making you seem silly/dumb
it can make you pass out inappropriately
it makes your thoughts and therefore your life extremely unorganized, discombobulated
makes you lazy
it can be habit forming
makes a block between you and non stoned ppl
can produce social anxiety

For me, marijuana has been a life-saver and an addiction. I truly believe had it not been for the relief marijuana provided me in high school that I would have ended up committing suicide. The relief has been undeniably therapeutic when I wasn't open to cognitive therapy or traditional western medicine. But now, I'm open to both, engaged in one, and thinking that it may be about time to put down the bong.

It's not gonna be easy though.

All of my friends smoke pot religiously. I've been smoking with them for years in the area I grew up in. Abstaining from dank would mean not seeing them, or seeing them much less. This would mean I'd be spending a lot of time alone which isn't always my favorite thing to do.

The discomfort of not smoking is another factor keeping me hooked. Just like an opiate addict, if I go too long without smoking, I start to get nauseous. I'll be irritable for about a week, and I'll think about smoking constantly for months after quitting. I've read up and learned that it usually takes about two months before you get back to normal, and even then it takes sustained effort.

It'd be hard and I'd have to find new friends. Hm, I think I'll just keep smoking for now.

This is what happens when you blog to get your thoughts out. You start with an idea "maybe i should not smoke pot" then you weigh it out, and decide, man, that would entail more than I'm willing to do. I'm not willing to part with my stoner friends yet. or am I? Hm, guess I'm not sure. At least I know I'm intimidated by the idea of finding new friends.

I'm also unconvinced that I even want to stop smoking pot. Sometimes I think I'm just way better off spending my time stoned. It may sound ridiculous to many, but there's something liberating about caring so little about yourself. Not that marijuana breeds personal apathy, but superficial concerns like what you do for work, how you look, if what your saying is politically correct seems less important than how one feels and how others feel. I'd rather spend my time trying to make others feel good and feeling good myself than thinking about what I have to do and getting stoned seems to take me out of my critical mind and let's me appreciate life.

But I've been stoned for soo long that maybe I can do this on my own now. I need to stop writing. This is all bullshit.

I may stop smoking, I may not. I think about it. I value self reflection, openness, honesty. I have a deep desire for more connection with people and within myself. I know language is the medium through which the subjective is known, and my ability to connect with will be determined by my use of language; body and verbal. That's all I wanna think about for now. I'm out.

Haven't blogged for a while. I've been mildly depressed. But, for me, mildly depressed isn't such a bad thing. I actually thought I was doing pretty well. I still do think I'm doing pretty well, but anyway, lemme get on with my news. First thing, I quit my farming job. Yup, it comes as little surprise to those who know me that I chose to quit my manual labor job after about two months of work, but, at least I know what's it's like. Secondly, I've decided that I do wanna work, so I'm opening up an outcall massage business in town. I hope I can give one or two massages a day and take some classes at the cuesta. Those are all my plans for now.

Right now I'm hanging out at my Mom's house in Burlingame. I love seeing my family up here. I got an awesome/kinda crazy book the other day that I've been digging, by Terrence McKenna, called Food of the Gods, where he hypothesizes that eating magic mushrooms made us into the linguistic creatures we are today. He really seems to jump to conclusions in his essays, but it's interesting and fun to experience the ideas of such an original and uninhibited thinker.

Strepp Throat, Again

I don't know why, but I'm extremely prone to strepp. I get it a few times a year and I hate it. Right now I'm on day 5 of having strepp and it's just about gone. I'm about to go back to work after missing three days. It'll be nice to get back to the farm.

Other than that not much is new. My mom came into town to play bunco. She plays bunco with a group of moms, and I guess she loves it because she now commutes four hours from the bay area to the central coast just to play.

I still haven't made any progress on looking into becoming a monk. There will be a nun at my buddhist temple this week. I'm planning on asking her if she knows of any monasteries I could check out and maybe stay for a weekend. I don't think I'll actually become a monk.... to discipline really turns me off, but I have a lot of interest in it, and I have to at least check it out.

Plans

I dig my farm job (pun intended), but I definitely don't wanna be doing it for the rest of my life. I've had lots of things to think about these past few years, but mostly, I've thought about how I want to spend my time. Working takes up just about all your time these days, so it's important to me to have a job I'm passionate about. Guys, what I'm trying to get at here is that I think I'm going to become a Buddhist monk.

Yup, I've at least decided I'm going to look into it. I figure I'm gonna be busting my ass in one way or another. Might as well bust it on a zafu! I've thought a lot about becoming a monk in the past, but I was always turned off by the strict discipline the monks abide by. After working for a while, however, my aversion to discipline has faded away. I'm no longer turned off by the idea of hard work or strict discipline.

Hopefully their will be a lay teacher at Bodhi Path (the Buddhist temple I go to) this Sunday. I want to inquire about monkhood. I don't really know anything about becoming a monk... but I'll find out and share it here. Peace, ya'll!

First Day on the Tractor!

That's right, motherfuckers. Today was my first day driving a tractor, and I gotta admit, it's not too shabby. I mean, it definitely beats the hell outta hoeing. It was pretty fun, actually. After another way-too-short tutorial, I had my first job. I can't believe I don't have to be trained for this. My boss, we'll call him O, showed me how to work the gears and the hydraulics, then about two minutes later I followed O to a nearby field. He showed me which field-roads I'd be smoothing out, then asked if I needed more time of him watching me drive. I declined. I knew I had it. The tractor driving went well, without a hitch (pun intended).

Work is going well in general. I feel like I'm a part of the normal society now and it's pretty sweet. Maybe I'll do this for a while. Who knows?

On an unrelated note, the old flame I mentioned in the previous post actually ended up coming back into my life. I'm glad :)

This is too many days off work now

Still off work due to the rain. It'll be nice to go back to work without being sore!

An old flame called me yesterday. It stirred up a lot of feelings, don't really feel like going into it on here. Long story short, I'm debating about whether I should still talk to this girl. I haven't seen her in a year, but she still calls, and I still like her a lot. I think it's about time to count my losses and forget about her tho...

On a better note, I think I'm at my all time most stable. I've been able to handle my job, and my suicidal ideation hasn't been dominating my brain. Wanting to kill yourself is very draining. I hate it! My mood overall has been much more pleasant than I'm accustomed to. I think I'm slowly getting nicer! Having Chico (my chihuahua) has really helped with my mood. Had I known what a difference a dog would make, I would have gotten one sooner. He's such a little blessing!

I've had so much time off that I feel like I'm back to my old schedule. Wake up, smoke some premium reefer, then go online until ppl get off work, then smoke bowls with them. Yes, it's not that bad of a lifestyle. Though, most would probably find it unfulfilling and tiring, it's been my routine for years.

I was thinking about how my life has been the past few years, and how it would have been different without the mental illness. My bipolar episodes have seriously set me back. But you know what success guru Jack Canfield says... E+R=O, or event plus response equals outcome. I definitely haven't responded well about being crazy. I'm just pissed, mostly. Oh well, can't go back.

this blog is done.

थिंग्स ठाट मके यू गो हम्म

No work today. Everything is still too wet from the rain.

One of my brothers has requested a blog: Things That Make You Go Hmmmm!

I'll now share all the things I wonder about... you know, those things that make you go hmmm.

Hmmm. I always wonder how everything we experience as the outside is actually a projection occurring within us. You know, like you look at the wall, and think you see the wall, but what you see is the picture of the wall ur head has made.. IDK, just trips me out.. make me go hmmm

Hmmm. I wonder how words and stories hold our realities together. I often wonder what I'd be like without words defining my experience. I'm just about always engaged in words, whether out loud or in my head, it seems to be constant. Only when I meditate consciously am I not experiencing words.

I also wonder about the nature of words. They're weird if you think about it. Auditory symbols strung together to describe phenomena. I think it's amazing how quickly we're able to articulate our ideas and feelings. We definitely seem designed for speach.

I have many hmmm's about the state of humanity. I have trouble understanding why we don't have easier lives. I think I'd prefer to live as a hunter-gatherer than a modern person. I hear they actually worked about four hours a day, and the rest of their time they spent chillin'. IDK how accurate this is, but I like the sound of it!

Hmmm, I also wonder how we've made it this long without unifying. I guess not everyone feels like a citizen of the world, or the world would be a very different place.

I have hmmm's about me. Hmmm, will my existence always be mysterious? Probably.

Hmmm