Drugs, Drugs, Drugs

My appreciation for drugs started when I was twelve. I'd creep into the pantry, poor a generous portion of Black Velvet into a glass, and chug it, no chaser. Had I known what a chaser was, I would have opted for it, but I was an inexperienced drinker. I recall getting faded and loving it. I wouldn't do it often because I was afraid of getting caught. However, once every couple months, I'd sneak a drink to feel that security, confidence, and ease that alcohol is so popular for.

By the time I was 15, I was smokin' herbs. I was already an established rebel in my mind (it takes courage to sneak drinks at 12 years), and smoking pot seemed like the logical next intoxicant to experiment with. Just like boose, I had an instant love for the state that marijuana put me in. I felt like I was in a dream. There's no remembering what you just thought about and everything is always new. I started smoking every couple weeks or so, and by the time I was 17, I was smoking every day. This continued until a week ago, and I have no regrets :)

I didn't try any other drugs during high school except for prescription pain killers. When I got to college, however, I decided it was time to step things up! The first "hard" drug I did was cocaine. I liked it, but it wasn't as cool as weed. It's fun, but expensive as hell, and really takes it outta you the next day. Plus, it makes idiots talk way too much. I still don't understand how people get addicted to it because the side effects seem so bad.

I also tried mushrooms during my first year of college. They totally blew my mind! I had no idea I had the potential to feel like that, and no knowledge about the ego dissolving effects of psychedelics. I thought mushrooms would be like the other drugs I had taken. Ya know, just fun, and just a little different from your normal mind. I was totally wrong. Mushrooms provided me with a view of myself that I had never had, or even conceived of. I looked at myself not as Akasha, but as an aspect of nature. I couldn't realize it before, but on mushrooms, I understood how my mind had created an identity that I believed I was, when in fact, I have little idea of what I am. Sure, you can say I'm a dude. You can even go a little deeper, and say (like a lame ass hippie), "you're pure awareness." Or, "you're the capacity to know." While I find the lame ass hippie views more accurate, they still don't account for all of your experience. Existing is the MOST mysterious thing, but it's easy to forget that. Fortunately, because of mushrooms, it's also easy to remember :)

Later on, I did ecstasy. Ecstasy is awesome. It allowed me to understand sympathetic joy much more than any meditation I've done. BTW, one of my biggest beefs with buddhism is that they don't encourage experimenting with drugs. This is why I don't identify as a buddhist (that, and because a major point of buddhism is to not identify with concepts). I'm a down-ass motherfucker, and have a lot of trouble supporting any doctrine that discourages experimenting with drugs. Anyway, I digress. Ecstasy is cool. It highlights your compassion and joy, and let's you realize how much you love people. A totally straight guy may find himself wanting to give his guy friend a shoulder rub, just to be nice. If that doesn't sound cool to you, you're a douche, and you should go try some e and stop hatin'.

I also had to try acid. I did this for the first time just a couple years ago. I had never had to opportunity to do it before. It's pretty legit laying down and watching your mind form your reality. I mean, you can do it without acid, but a little lsd really spices things up! I also loved the depersonalized hallucinations. I had always thought that your hallucinations would be a reflection of the individual. Ya know, like you'd see what you think about. LOL, NO WAY! I couldn't account for the demons and angels. I mean, I thought I didn't believe in them. I also couldn't account for all of the sacred geometry you see on acid. Drugs definitely have a mind of their own, and they'll let you know about it.

I've tried nearly every drug I could get my hand on. I still haven't done ayahuasca, but I'm sure I will. I hate how our culture has little regard for the wisdom that drugs impart. I mean, even just getting drunk has a lot of benefit. Boose can inform you that your inhibitions are a block to happiness and fun. So, if you're smart, you'll cultivate a less inhibited state, be more open, more spontaneous, and pretty much, just cooler. But if you don't apply introspection to your drinking, and you still love it, you'll probably just end up drinking too much.

By the way, drugs are worthless without introspection. There's little benefit to drugs without being deeply reflective and honest about your experience. I've talked to lots of people who have eaten the same magical mushrooms as I, and they weren't so magical. If you experience a different state, and only describe it as "getting fucked up," then you're not going to learn what the experience has truly given you. But, if you're a good little boy, and use your words, then these same substances can be springboards for deep and lasting insight. And that's what IT is all about.

More Boose, More Memory

Since I stopped smoking weed, I've been drinking every night. Usually just a single high gravity malt liquor tall can. Like a hurricane, steel reserve, or old english. Just a little ghetto brew to take the edge off. Last night, however, I drank for reals, and I had no idea how much my tolerance to alcohol had increased.

Drinking affects you more when your always stoned. When I smoked pot (less than 1 week ago), I would very rarely have more than, like, 8 drinks. I'm a fairly large guy, and regular drinker, so eight drinks isn't gettin' too crazy for me. Last night, however, without large amounts of THC running through my veins, I drank 15 beers, and never felt really intoxicated. I couldn't believe it when I tallied up my brews this mourning. I can't remember the last time I drank so much without feeling really fucked up and forgetting everything.

My memory of last night is crystal clear. I can recall more from last night's drunken wanderings than I could about a typical day of being high. When I smoke, my memory just goes out the window. Last night my friend was talking about something we did a couple weeks ago, and it took me forever to realize what he was talking about. The memory wasn't erased, just very blurry. I was able to recall what we did, but couldn't remember any of the details of it. Like, what we were talking about and how I was feeling. I had even forgotten which friends I was with. Even though I drank 15 beers last night, I can recall all the places I went to, every individual I spoke with, and how my mood was. Weed even made me forget how my normal memory works! hahaha

I mean, I can laugh at it, but there has to be some serious issues about degrading your memory with habitually smoking weed. Of course, nothing comes to mind, but it's gotta make you dumber somehow. This is an effect from dank that never really bothered me. I wonder how my new awareness will serve me. What's life like with a normal memory?? I have no idea... I forgot...

I expect my tolerance to alcohol to decrease as the anxiety I have from not smoking decreases. I know from experience that heightened anxiety increases your tolerance to depressants. Once, while I was hypo manic, I drank a bottle and half of tequila, and didn't puke. I wasn't even doing blow, just had intense energy that alcohol barely effected. Hopefully, in a month or so, I won't need 15 beers to get my party on. But, for now, I give myself complete permission to consume as many budlights as my little anxious body desires.

New Buddhist Class and Daddy Issues

Last night I went to a class on buddhism in Morro Bay that I signed up for months ago. I'm so glad I went! The teacher mentioned a number of things I haven't heard at the temple I usually attend. We'll also be learning several different types of meditation which I'm looking forward to. The meditation I practice usually is shinay, or, calm-abiding meditation. It involves bringing the attention to the breath, experiencing bodily sensations, and not getting caught up in your train of thought. It's great knowing you have some control regarding how peaceful you feel. I mean, I can't get super pissed and then feel fine just cuz I think about it, but understanding that my pissed offness isn't a direct reflection of the truth usually makes it not last so long. I still get pissed though and scream, "FUCK!", and punch walls... but I only do this a few times a year. It scares my chihuahua, though, and I really wish I had more reserve.

My dad use to tell me that all the time when I was young. "Have some reserve!" Looking back, it's some of the only legitimate advice he gave. His other famous aphorisms included, "There's a time for sex, and it's not in high school." I didn't like this one. Nor did I appreciate, "don't do drugs and don't hang out with others who do."

I wish my father would have given me advice on how to be a great contribution to humanity, but I don't know anyone with parents like that. We're just taught to be good, go to school, work hard and succeed, assuming the status quo brings ultimate peace to the individual and the society. I was never encouraged to think for myself or to question the culture I was born into. I don't feel like my father's son. I don't mind the role, but I feel like a little reflective parcel of creation. Even my identity as a male seems contrived and cheesy... and limiting. Sometimes I prefer to feel like what I would imagine to be a wise old lady, as opposed to my "actual" form of a 25 year old white male. The relationship between identity and feelings is definitely and interesting issue, one that I'm happy to explore. Peace and love, motherfuckers.

No Dank Day 2

My body is cookin'. Last night's night sweats were slightly less intense and I woke up feeling a little less nauseous. I'm still sweating on my hands and feet. I feel super spacy, probably because I didn't eat anything yesterday except for a tall can brass monkey. I have some stats homework due today that I haven't done and I don't know if I'm going to be able to understand it in my current state. It's hard enough when I'm not feeling spacy and sick.

I'm expecting another long, anxious day, but I'm really looking forward to being done with the debilitating physical symptoms of this marijuana withdrawal. I had always heard marijuana wasn't physically addictive, but it is. I guess you just have to smoke a good amount before abstaining from it feels like hell.

Dying from marijuana withdrawals

Mother fuck, it has been a loong day. The anxiety and energy I have from not smoking is overwhelming. I had a three hour political science class today during which I couldn't stop fidgeting. Between my toe-tapping, drumming, pencil twirling and eventual rocking in my chair, I think it was obvious that I was experiencing some emotional turmoil. On a lighter note, I got a C- on a test I thought I failed.

I almost hit some resin I had in my chillum, but refrained. I've never had such a desire to abstain from pot. I really don't want it to be part of my life anymore... at least that's how I feel now.

Have I mentioned I'm sweating like a motherfucker and nauseus as hell? No wonder I waited so long to stop smoking pot. It's miserable! Oh well, gotta keep truckin'. Hopefully, someday, I'll look back on this decision with joy and gratitude.

I've realized something important lately, and it really sank in today. I've always fancied myself smarter than average. Like, the top 2% of the population. I don't know how I came about this idea (probably a grandiose delusion from being bipolar), but I'm realizing how not true it is. What I am discovering is that i'm of average intelligence, and possibly a little below. I also have a hard time paying attention in class. A really hard time. It feels like torture having to pay attention to stuff I'm not interested in. I also don't appreciate listening to someone much more educated than I am who throws a word I don't know into every sentence. I feel insecure about my vocabulary and education. I grew up on shame and television and it hasn't made for the most insightful adult. I mean, i usually think I'm great, but when I earnestly look at my contribution to humanity I lose my unwarranted confidence. I imagine you can't shame creation, but if you could, i think I'd be a bit of an embarrasment.

Pot Free For 24 Hrs

At this moment, I have been free from marijuana for 24 hrs. I have nearly all of the withdrawal symptoms: night sweats, sweaty hands and feet, insomnia, nausea, no appetite, and I'm very irritable. The only symptom I'm not exhibiting is having a headache which is suppose to be the most common side effect. I'm glad my head doesn't hurt because this inner-unrest and mild nausea is all I wanna deal with.

I've considered quitting marijuana occasionally over the past several years. Before, it always seemed worth it to me. The comfort and relief I got from marijuana compared to the cost (monetary and emotional) was totally worth it. It didn't matter that pot made me lazy and unable to follow complicated thoughts because it kept me from wanting to end my own life. My parents, who aren't afflicted by mental illness, had no respect for my decision to use this wondrous herb. Looking back, I'm really glad I played the rebel and followed my intuition. Pot gave me an appreciation for life that I was blind to. However, I think I've inhaled all the wisdom pot has to give to me now and I'm feeling I'll be best off abstaining from it and pursuing healthier interests.

I'm still fascinated by spirituality and plan on using my new clear head to develop personally. I'll probably attend more buddhist meetings and hopefully start exercising. When I'm high, I usually opt to not go to the buddhist group I like so much cuz everyone there isn't high. Getting high also eradicates any desire to exercise. Not being high should also make school easier, like, a lot easier. I try to not smoke three hours before my class, but even after three hours of not smoking I'm still far from average. The shit makes me dumber... there's no questioning that...

The hardest part of abstaining from marijuana that I foresee is going to be the whole friends thing. All my homies are stoners, and I'm going to want to smoke around them. I don't know people that don't smoke herbs. Oh well, we'll see how it goes down. Wish me luck!

When i sit down to write it's as if i come face to face with the void itself. The place from which all comes, neatly placed in my head somehow. At the edge of your creativity and staying nice and calm keeps a steady flow of ideas. Until you hit a little insecurity road bump and experience the infamous writer's block. I've suffered a lot from writer's block in the past. Especially during high school when I'd have to write an essay. I'd always struggle to find the words to express whatever idea I had. It's still an issue, which is why I do little exercises like this.

By the way, this blog is a writing exercise, just to get in the habit of writing. I'm also looking to review my thoughts, develop my voice, and connect with anyone with similar interests. I'm not trying to make an interesting blog, I just want to share myself online and rant about shit I hate.

I try not to talk about shit I hate too much because I find it irritating when others do. But I definitely don't mind blogging about it! Here's what I hate: tradition, social expectations, the way children are treated, how much everyone works, the distribution of wealth, being confined to a nuclear family growing up, drug laws, having a gay dad, being heavily dependent on marijuana, being single, being poor, being bipolar, feeling inadequate

Now I'll mention things I love, like: meditating, chico, my plan to live in a van and be a freelance writer, the love and support I get from my family, having lots of unscheduled time to think by myself, not having to work (thanks mom and pop, I swear I'll be worth ur investment someday), the emergence of new culture, entheogens, the power of words, honesty, personal growth, buddhism, reading, writing, sharing ideas, how I treat people, dancing

K, that's enough for now.