Thursday, October 14, 2010

I've been feeling a lot better. Focusing on acceptance has proved to be very helpful. I pray for acceptance like a frat boy prays for beer and pussy. Imagining what it would be like to not feel ashamed for my delusional past has paved the way for more pleasant emotions. I'm still freakishly sensitive, however.

I had a horrible incident with my oldest brother a couple days ago. I was talking to him and some other family members about my depression and suicidal ideation. I was only a few sentences in when he joined the group and, preferring a lighter topic, demanded I stop talking. I was crushed, shocked, embarrassed and, of course, ashamed. Asking me politely would have been less hurtful than him saying, with irritation in his voice, "Let's talk about something else," as he gestured his hand down at me and looked away, demeaning my value. I stopped talking immediately and didn't share much for the remainder of my time at his house. When I got into my mom's car with her to leave, I burst into tears like a toddler. "How could he be so insensitive?" I said through my sobbing face. After vowing to never return to his home and saying "fuck mark," about a hundred times, I was ready to let go of the situation.

It was hurtful because it's taken me years to be able to talk about this stuff. Plus, I've always looked up to Mark, so his dissatisfaction with me was not what I intended. Believing his reaction to my words was not intentionally hurtful helps me let go of the whole thing. Truly, I believe his intention was to keep everyone else comfortable. Still, I probably won't be going over there for a while. And I'm certainly done looking up to him. I'll continue to admire Terrence McKenna, Ken Wilbur, Chali 2na, Del and everyone else who works to make other people feel good.


  1. making others feel good is one of my greatest goals...making others feel good till they wet themselves is a bonus...tee hee

  2. I've been listening to windowlicker by aphex twin today, youtube style, tell me what you think of the video when you see it.