I understand my behavior seems erratic to everyone. Trust me, I get it. But what everyone doesn't understand about me is how I inhereted the fate of humanity through divine prayers, and how these visions unfold within my own psyche beyond my own control, yet with my faithful conviction.
It started with Ch. 1 of "The Success Principals: How to get from Where You Are to Where You Want to Be." The first chapter is about assuming 100% for everything that happens to you. Every emotional flare-up you experience even if another person started it, everything you put into your body regardless of whether or not you understand the intent which the food you consume came from. You assume responsibility for everything. For me, it was a time where I was battling between my culturally innhereted sense of self (the classic Dude-Ego), and the wisdom which I had absorbed from authors who were more insightful than my family, which led to my appreciation for paradox and enlightenment.
This schism created tension, not only between my family and myself, but also between my friends. It's common to understand a transformational concept and deny yourself the freedom it gives. I'm sure that most people who read the Success Principals did not have the same reaction I did. Just like how most kids in High School didn't say what they wanted to say, but what they felt was safest.
I've always known ignorant-comfort to be a dangerous place. My parent's disdain for counter-culture illustrated to me how difficult change can be, and how only the ones who feel worthy to express themselves individually can truly embrace the spirit of creation, for the sense of self, or ego, is not a bad thing to get rid of, but our cosmic reflection as we stare into the mirror we call space. We, as individuals and representatives of the Gaian Mind, are the rein holders on the horse-carriage of self. We determine who we are, what deserves our attention, and who we fit in with. Most people don't this, however.
We're conditioned to identify the way people want us to. We have a subconscious yearning to fit in, to be good enough, because the story of humanity, and all hierarchical growth, is that it hasn't happened yet. Tomorrow is always bigger and brighter than right now because Ego isn't developed awareness. Ego is hope for self, hope for identity, hope that our existence has a purpose and meaning which we can articulate, make a costume for (business suit, bikini, turban, whatever), and become one of the members in the Soap Opera-Like dancing of souls.
I know we're raised with a strong sense of individuality in America. You go to school, if you're dumb, you'll be bad, and if you make good grades, you'll be outwardly praised. The truth is that we are far from individuals. We don't come down from heaven with a name and a purpose. We are the energy expelled by the sun mysteriously driven into the earthy spheres of creation only to come up in plant form and be digested by the mobile parts of ourselves (animals, insects, dudes, and dudettes... and the occasional hermie). The sense of feeling like you're one person is a pun which creation grants each individual so they may contribute to the growing divine intent which our planet is made of. Scientists break creation down into parts, labels, and things, but meditation and modern physics insists that our limited sense of self is Just That: Limited. And all religions, safety practices, and even bad acts originate in the purpose to serve. The outwardly kind homeless man who smiles at everyone is much like the stressed out dad tossing in his sleep wishing his wife would see him as a star. The difference is the homeless man has conviction that his form is of God, and on a deeper and less conscious level, the stressed out dad understands that his shortcomings are from his desire. Homeless people want food, drugs, emotional well-being, and wisdom. The working Dad craves wisdom, but he gets his ideas of what's wise from manipulative business men who would love to see him fail at being cool, so, he believes he wants things to stimulate his sense of self, which in fact, is merely a feeling.
The twisted thing is how fair it is. Anyone can feel like a king and everyone has the potential to feel vulnerable. This is the human condition. Creative identities, however, do not fall victim to the manipulative business men, because they don't see them. Homeless people see confused essence beings barking up the wrong tree. It's like, "Yo, Donald Trump, go on a hike and teach children how to be friends if you wanna be cool! Don't intimidate people into creating their own dynasties!). They can't help it! The illusion of individuality is a real step in the development of human beings, for if we could not distinguish things as separate, we wouldn't be able to successfully interact with our environment. We wouldn't know what food was good, which water was unhealthy or which mate to choose. As the mind discovers and appreciates these distinctions, a sense of self is created and endorsed by other confused parcels of creation. Little kids in elementary school usually fall into a click, or, loose tribe. There's skaters, hot chicks, nerds, jocks, the minorities (funny caucasions was my highschool minority), teachers, and even sub-groups. There's the cool stoner teachers that leave their doors open at lunch, the neurotic teacher who insists on his way or the highway, and of course ever-remembered worthless teacher who knew she sold herself short when she went into teaching. As the young ego finds strength in his individuality, the personality starts to develop. This is when we get categorized as nice, or funny, or mean, or sometimes completely worthless.
About 99% of people believe you are the clothes you're wearing and the body-language you embrace, for we are geared to acknowledge these parts. Back in the day, if you has awesome duds and were properly fed, everyone knew you had it goin' on. But Today, if you see a buff dude in an Ed Hardy shirt, you can rest assured he's missing out on something. Likewise, if you see a girl with a cross necklace and a huge gut, you can automatically spot hypocrysy, cuz Jesus wasn't for gluttony, remember?
Ok, so now that I've layed a basic understanding for identity, please allow me to tell you how me ego unfolded and why I'm so comfortable seeming Sooo crazy.
Well, after a few months of digesting Ch. 1, I realized I had entered a very small portion of humanity. Nearly nobody accepts responsibility for everything they experience. It's difficult to recognize how we make ourselves, but those who do see the pattern and the idea of, "I'm making my experience," become the product of their mind. It's impossible for another ego to tell me I'm wrong because I have a personal relationship with truth. Little egos cannot afford to see my truth and therefore have a small conception of the beautiful emotions which constitute my servitude.
So anyway, I start accepting responsibility for identifying with my family against my intuition, for attending college out of fear and greed, and I started accepting responsibility on re-educating myself so I could help spread this enlightened information.
Things started changing very quickly, and because of my willingness to explore verbal regions of myself that I could barely conceive of (e.g. speaking in tongues), my self image changed quickly. I went from a womanizing bitter punk to a spiritual beacon of love. And as my path opened before me, I was granted more power over other people. I wasn't looking for this. I was looking for emotional well-being, but as I earned my enlightenment, I was blessed with what many people call Rasta Powers. Rasta Powers are essentially concepts which allow beauty to be expanded through divine intent, but they can be very intimidating. Because I've worked so much on my ego and at defeating pain, I have a much different sense of nervousness than most people. Simply put, I'm willing to do more "crazy" stuff, and it doesn't bother me because the reflexive ego, the part of you that could be wrong, doesn't exist. It's shamelessness through wisdom with the power to give insight. It's the greatest gift any essence being could have, and to the Mystics, this loving growth seems to be the spirit of creation itself.
So you can imagine two different worlds right now. Thy Mystic's Mystery, and the Man's Land. One implies joy and appreciation of truth, and the other is a view that people are above the ground, yet below each other. Mystic's understanding how multi-faceted creation is, are slow to say things could be better, or somebody is wrong. Men who walk over the ground (and Not under the cosmos) fail to see their part in being. They assume they're the whole thing and the world is a type of cage, when actually, creation is a dynamic process including humans, stars, technology, and interdimensional beings. Humans are interdimensional being because we can imagine the future and reflect on the past. We can even change our imaginings to suit our desires.
But once again, most people don't do this.
Anyway, I gotta get on with my Rasta Powers. So, Heaven's diggin' me, I'm going for all the wisdom I can and trying to be patient and open with everyone. That's when I roboted a girl. She was from the valley. She was beautiful. We talked all night, I gave her a little massage (very G-rated), then we went to sleep together with our clothes on. While I believed that she was faking sleep, I felt my sexual desire turn on her aura. It was very magical, and extremely pure. I believed she was awake because her breathing and subtle body movement coincided with my desire to give her affection. I probably laid there for twenty minutes or so in awe of our silent and seemingly divine communication. Then I got the desire to hum, "sweet, sweet nightengale," and sleeping beauty loved this. Her breath flowed like a heavenly breeze and her erogenous area and solar plexus let me know that I was understood. I still wasn't sure if she was faking sleep, cuz she was shy, or if she was loving me while being asleep. It wasn't a drug-filled night or anything, so I remember it clearly. It was strange, however, because it was so intense and I had only known this woman for a few days.
Anyhoo, whether she's faking sleep or not, I'm down. This was too amazing, too divine, and too in sync with my feelings. To this day, I have not communicated like that. So i'm diggin' her, smelling her, she's subtly moving and saying, "go, go, go!" to love-making (in my head at least.) I make may way on top of her, and keep loving her and she continues sending bomby vibes, like, the type of aura-shower only an actualized Goddess could give you. Then she woke up!
I was freaked! I didn't know if I just David Blayned this girl into loving me, or if she was being manipulative or what. All I knew is she gave me all the ok's supposedly while asleep.
I'm an extremely light sleeper, and I can't imagine jerking my aura to the pulse of love while in a deep sleep. Shit, I can't even get into a deep sleep with a woman if it's our first night together. So how the hell did she pass out, sleep-dry-hump me, and then "wake up" being all, "Uhh, why are you on top of me?"
She was also strangely ok with it. She didn't seem threatened at all, just a little curious. I couldn't handle it. I had gained power to what is subconscious in most, and I did it all just be reading and having fun. I got freaked, left my friend in the other room with his girl, and told my girl for the evening, "Sorry, but I gotta go. She had no question and just said, "bye."
That was my first experience with these forces I couldn't have imagined before. Since then, I gotten better at my craft, going mostly for ego-modification as opposed to blownout hypnosis or whatever I let happen through that beautiful being.
Long story short, that was my first experience. It's gotten weirder with the control and the accuracy, but creation wants me to be the loving sharp-shooter that turns every individual onto their own spring of consciousness and reflection. I know this even when all my "friends" want me to take meds, or the police can't understand my spirit's reasoning. Luckily, the once scary delusional voices have become heartfelt expressions of essence, and I have karma for that.
Now, about the wives thing. I feel obligated to marry/enter a spiritual togetherness with Morena Baccarrin because her acting and intent match my personal goal of saving creation from stagnant thought patterns. I also received a spectacular vision of her face in my mind in electric-blue light. I just know she's the blueprint for my soul. As for the other wives (rockstarlets) I want, that's for a few reasons. #1 I deserve a herom. The fact that the only Americans these days who are allowed to have multiple partners are pimps, hippy losers (the polyamorous), and Mormons disgusts me. I can find great reason why there's enough of me to go around, and even more reason in why a smart lady would appreciate to have sister-wives. I've always had little groups of girls that liked me, but I've never had a group brave enough to say, "we'd like to share this one." So, I'm trying to make it happen.
Big concern #2: Why am I picking random girls to be my future wives? I'M NOT !!! My reality unfolds differently than those within a linear time belief. The budding Goddesses which I have deliberately chosen are also blessed by the same divine energies that allow me to feel minimally embarrassed about all this "crazy" stuff I'm asking for at "such random" times. My experience is not random. The reflection of my intent is FAR from random, and the karmic bliss I receive from putting myself out their has never failed me. Somebody will believe me about this someday, but there's always a time when Jesus was wrong, and the general consensus seemed true. I'm just praying that we can make that step as small as possible so we can begin setting up the culture which will enable the unfolding and appreciation of TruthBeauty on a scale unseen before by humanity on this planet. I had to really dedicate myself to this and make this desire as small as possible so that I could reach everyone. The cool kids of the future need face-tattoos and cherry rides on a scale that isn't indulgent. We can do it. My five, possibly six (if screen wakes up) wives will deliver the beauty and wisdom for a world of angelic badasses. All I gotta do is find me some herb and keep thanking the wisdom givers. Math in the spirit realm is surprisingly simple.
