New Buddhist Class and Daddy Issues

Last night I went to a class on buddhism in Morro Bay that I signed up for months ago. I'm so glad I went! The teacher mentioned a number of things I haven't heard at the temple I usually attend. We'll also be learning several different types of meditation which I'm looking forward to. The meditation I practice usually is shinay, or, calm-abiding meditation. It involves bringing the attention to the breath, experiencing bodily sensations, and not getting caught up in your train of thought. It's great knowing you have some control regarding how peaceful you feel. I mean, I can't get super pissed and then feel fine just cuz I think about it, but understanding that my pissed offness isn't a direct reflection of the truth usually makes it not last so long. I still get pissed though and scream, "FUCK!", and punch walls... but I only do this a few times a year. It scares my chihuahua, though, and I really wish I had more reserve.

My dad use to tell me that all the time when I was young. "Have some reserve!" Looking back, it's some of the only legitimate advice he gave. His other famous aphorisms included, "There's a time for sex, and it's not in high school." I didn't like this one. Nor did I appreciate, "don't do drugs and don't hang out with others who do."

I wish my father would have given me advice on how to be a great contribution to humanity, but I don't know anyone with parents like that. We're just taught to be good, go to school, work hard and succeed, assuming the status quo brings ultimate peace to the individual and the society. I was never encouraged to think for myself or to question the culture I was born into. I don't feel like my father's son. I don't mind the role, but I feel like a little reflective parcel of creation. Even my identity as a male seems contrived and cheesy... and limiting. Sometimes I prefer to feel like what I would imagine to be a wise old lady, as opposed to my "actual" form of a 25 year old white male. The relationship between identity and feelings is definitely and interesting issue, one that I'm happy to explore. Peace and love, motherfuckers.