I've been feeling a lot better. Focusing on acceptance has proved to be very helpful. I pray for acceptance like a frat boy prays for beer and pussy. Imagining what it would be like to not feel ashamed for my delusional past has paved the way for more pleasant emotions. I'm still freakishly sensitive, however.

I had a horrible incident with my oldest brother a couple days ago. I was talking to him and some other family members about my depression and suicidal ideation. I was only a few sentences in when he joined the group and, preferring a lighter topic, demanded I stop talking. I was crushed, shocked, embarrassed and, of course, ashamed. Asking me politely would have been less hurtful than him saying, with irritation in his voice, "Let's talk about something else," as he gestured his hand down at me and looked away, demeaning my value. I stopped talking immediately and didn't share much for the remainder of my time at his house. When I got into my mom's car with her to leave, I burst into tears like a toddler. "How could he be so insensitive?" I said through my sobbing face. After vowing to never return to his home and saying "fuck mark," about a hundred times, I was ready to let go of the situation.

It was hurtful because it's taken me years to be able to talk about this stuff. Plus, I've always looked up to Mark, so his dissatisfaction with me was not what I intended. Believing his reaction to my words was not intentionally hurtful helps me let go of the whole thing. Truly, I believe his intention was to keep everyone else comfortable. Still, I probably won't be going over there for a while. And I'm certainly done looking up to him. I'll continue to admire Terrence McKenna, Ken Wilbur, Chali 2na, Del and everyone else who works to make other people feel good.

I'm grieving about losing the life I had always envisioned for myself. I'm not able to take care of myself like other normal people are, and realizing this is very painful. I wish I knew when the the feelings of inadequacy and disappointment would dissipate. I imagine I can't feel bad about being mentally ill my whole life... I hope I can't.

I'm set on recovery. That's why I tried working, going to school, and not smoking pot. BTW, I started smoking again a couple days ago. I can't afford to not smoke weed. It makes me want to kill myself so much less than usual. I'm now beginning to see weed as an actual remedy. The therapeutic benefit is undeniable. The worst thing about it is that it's not viewed as helpful by my family or the medical community (although my psychiatrist told me she wouldn't advise me to stop smoking because of the mixed opinions in the medical community). So, for now, I'm making burning ganj part of of my recovery plan. IDK what else I should be doing, though. I know that working a part-time job and/or going to school is definitely out of the question. Maybe I'll get my massage permit and start doing a few massages a week.

IDK what I'll do. I guess, for now, all i can really handle is sitting in mental torment. It takes a lot of effort to not kill myself. It's like this constant battle that I've been in since a child. It seems so reasonable, yet, at the same time, it seems too permanent and like it would bring so much unnecessary suffering to my family and friends. I really don't want to make anyone feel bad, but sometimes I feel like them asking me to not kill myself is just ridiculous. Like, "Dude, if you knew how it was you'd feel ok with me choosing to end my life." But people don't know how it is. This is another thing I'm beginning to realize. People have a very small conception of the feelings that accompany suicidal ideation. I guess it's good for them, but I wish there was more compassion and understanding for people suffering from this highly stigmatized disorder.

And why aren't there groups of people who can't work who meet up during the day? I get so lonely during the week, and tv is so boring. Loneliness will probably always be a huge issue in my life. I relate so much better to other bipolar people, but they're pretty rare. Especially bipolar 1 people. Everyone and their aunt gets diagnosed bipolar 2, but I've only met one other bipolar 1 person. She tells me that I'm the only person she knows who shares her path of hardship. Not working/not going to school is another formulae for loneliness. I wish I could handle these things, but I have to be realistic.

I wish I could go beyond hating my life and be like, "ok, it's time to not feel shitty anymore," but I don't have that ability. All I can do is pray for acceptance of the never-ending nightmare that is my existence. haha, maybe that's a little dramatic, but you get the point. I'm just disgusted by my weak nature and have a really hard time finding hope. Actually, I'm way beyond disgusted. I'm absolutely mortified by my condition. It's the most debilitating thing I've known, and I'm still discovering just how debilitating it is. Having my dream of living a good life vanish before me because I'm afflicted with something so out of my control is constantly devastating.

I hate waking up and knowing I have to spend another day as a lonely mentally ill deadbeat. Thinking about trying to change my position in society is even more frustrating. I feel like all I'm capable of is taking bong rips and petting my chihuahua. I want so much to have a nice story that goes with me. Right now, my story is that I was a miserable child who grew up to be a miserable adult. Supposedly because I have a chemical imbalance in my brain.

I don't believe my suffering is just from a chemical imbalance. That's just what psychiatrists say. There is no testing of your brain that happens before they assure you that you're suffering from a chemical imbalance. It's just what they say after they've seen you act "not normal."

Oh well, at least I won't have to sweat on a farm or cry at school today. It could always be worse.

Food Stamps, Section 8 Housing, SSI

Since I've given up on my dream of having a normal life, I'm now seeking ways to make the most of my situation. It's hard because I always envisioned myself having normal life... even a comfortable one. I thought I'd have a wife, kids, a home, and clothes I wasn't embarrassed to wear. All my brothers do very well for themselves, and I always figured I'd be somewhere on their level. However, these past few years have made me realize that I'm not really in the same league as they are. They can handle much more than I can and not even consider killing themselves. I, on the other hand, can't even pull off nine units at junior college without considering what material I'll use for a noose and where to hang it. Sigh.

I want to spend as little amount of time grieving about my shattered expectations as possible. It's now time to move on, take advantage of being mentally ill, and make an effort to love the life I have. Definitely the best thing about being labeled insane is that it opens up a portal to many social services. I've been getting SSI for five years now and I think it's time to start getting more. I've had several friends tell me that I qualify for food stamps. I think around $150/month. This would great! I'm sure I could make some awesome meals. You can get a lot of food for 150 bucks at Food4Less. Another social service that requires my investigation is section 8 housing. I understand you can get an apartment for just a few hundred dollars a month which would be absolute dopeness. My parents pay for a lot of my rent now, and I want to take as little from them as possible. I feel better about taking from Uncle Sam.

Yeah, I feel better about deciding to embrace my situation as opposed to trying to change it by working or going to school. Why would I choose to give the system a handjob when I could have it give me a piggy-back ride? Well, I'll tell you why. Cuz it's not cool to live off disability, apply for section 8, and get food stamps. Few aspire to live this kind of life and there's definitely some shame associated with taking handouts. Plus, when you don't work, you're signing up for hours of alone time which can take some getting use to. Another horrible thing about not working is that you feel like you're not part of the world. It just keeps spinning without you. It's not uncommon for me to go days without seeing anyone I know in person. The shame, loneliness, and general feeling of not fitting are the reasons why people aren't aspiring to live off the dole. Unfortunately, for me, it's the better option. Fuck it, if I can deal with being labeled insane then I can deal with some people thinking I'm a drain on society.

Done With School

Yesterday was my first tutoring session for statistics. Because I'm mentally ill, I qualify for free tutoring. I felt like the hour I spent with the tutor really cleared things up. I tried doing homework today, but was totally lost, so I went to the math lab. I sat down in the math lab, looked at the problem and felt so defeated. Then it was time for a cigarette... actually, two. I came back in, asked for help and the only tutor in there said, "Oh, I don't know statistics." She directed me towards the answer book and I checked it out. It didn't make any sense to me and I left because I needed to cry.

I walked through campus trying to cover up the tears streaming down my face. Thoughts like, "You don't need to be attached to your performance in school," were going through my mind. And they kinda help, but I still have a lot of unpleasant emotions because I care so much about how I do.

When you're diagnosed with a mental illness, people tell you that it doesn't have to hold you back and you can do things normal people do. I'm discovering this to be bullshit. I can't even do math homework without wanting to kill myself.

I have mixed feelings about school. I want to learn and be a contribution to humanity, but I don't want to do it if it's going to be miserable for me. I try to love things that I have aversion towards, but I think for this lifetime, I'm best off not subjecting myself to a traditional western education. It's just like signing up for unnecessary pain with the hope that someday I'll look back and be grateful that I jumped through all the hoops.

I need to do something, but I'm choosing for it to not be school. I don't want to spend anymore time crying on campus :(

Plus, I feel like learning everything that they want me to is just like training myself to give the system a handjob. I'd rather continue learning how to not suffer at my own pace.

I've had the thought, "Well, I'm not insanely delusional at the moment, so I should be working/going to school." But when I actually try to do these things I find myself more miserable than when I spent all my time chilling and smoking herbs. I think I need a break, like, for the rest of my life. All I want is my time to do whatever I want. I hate obligations, needing to be places, listening to people I don't admire. I just have to learn to love my place as a mentally ill deadbeat... I'm barely capable of being that. Not feeling like I want to kill myself require a huge effort, and it's about all I can handle.

That last sentence felt really good. I shouldn't hold myself to the standards for people who aren't tormented by suicidal ideation. Everyone has a different capacity... mine's just a lot smaller than I had envisioned.. o well.

No Smoking=More Raging

I've been raging like a bull since I stopped smoking herbs. I'm now much more likely to raise my voice, get angry, and punch walls. It really affects Chico, and he's been spending a little less time with me. I hate it. I hate not having complete control over my emotional response, and I really hate feeling angry. I'll go from being fine to being angry to planning to kill myself in a matter of minutes.

When I start planning how I'm going to kill myself I try to think of things in my life that are reasons to stick around. I try to make killing myself seem irrational, because I intellectually understand it to be. In my logical mind, my frustration and anger is from attachment which I have the power to overcome/let go of. I'll try to clear my mind, focus on my breath, think of my little brother, my nieces and my mom and the emotional pain I can spare them by continuing to endure the shit storm. I can have all these thoughts in my head and still have every fiber of my body saying, "do it. Kill youself! You've fantasized about suicide for years, and for good reason! Your existence sucks! You'll never be able to create a life worth living and you usually bring pain and suffering to those in your life. Sure, people may be initially sad that you're gone, but in the long run, you'll be doing more good by not existing."

It's not fun to imagine killing yourself, but it feels like the only solution. You know, I'm still not convinced that I was worse off smoking pot all day long. I have noticed some major benefits from abstaining from weed, however. I'm more talkative now and feel like I'm relating to people better. I feel more connected with the people around me. I've also been having a lot of lucid dreams, which are always fun. My sleep, in general, is really bad. I mean, I like what sleep I get, but I wake up at the tiniest sound or discomfort. Since I haven't been smoking pot, I wake up many times during the night. Like every hour or two. My sleep is very choppy, but I've learned to not let that make me get frustrated, or else I'd never sleep. I try to accept it and just feel grateful for having such few responsibilities that require my alertness. I really am grateful for that. I'm glad my mental illness is recognized as an actual illness, or else everyone would just think I'm a lazy asshole. The truth, I feel, is that I just have these intense emotions, and dealing with them is about all I can handle. Which kinda sucks, cuz my lack of ability to do normal things is very debilitating when it comes to making money. And it's really hard to attract a mate when you're super poor. Being bat shit crazy doesn't help much either. Fuck it, I can jack off the rest of my life and not care too much... who am I kidding, NO I CAN'T. I know I'm a little different, but there's gotta be someone for me. I feel like girls should be competing for me, but that's probably just another grandiose delusion... whatevs... you gotta play the hand you're dealt...

I started writing this blog in the mourning at 9am, and now it's 2:47 am.. the next mourning. I grabbed some drinks with some friends and some German boys one of them met. We got down at the Library (one of the more ghetto bars in SLO) and it was a fun night. On our way back home, we ran into some guys who wanted a cigarette. I always give cigarettes to people who ask appropriately, and these guys did, so I kicked 'em one. Right after that, one of the three guys asked my platonic girlfriend for a hug, and she gave him one. Unfortunately, for him, his drunk ass decided it would be a good idea to grab her butt. She was like, "WTF, don't do that!" I said, "WTF did you just do." He replied, "Hey man, she's the one that gave me a hug." He didn't know I hadn't been smoking herbs, and had the rage of bull. I knocked this little tatted bitch down after he threw the first punch. I kept socking him in his head until his friends came up and broke it up. They weren't gonna jump me... I just kicked 'em a grit. I'm a nice guy, but I will not hesitate to regulate on a white trash motherfucker who crosses the line. That fool is lucky I didn't stomp on his head, cuz that was definitely my next move.

Events like these are why I consider myself a mediocre buddhist. I definitely do not adhere to the eight-fold path, but, I do practice a ton of mindfulness, compassion, and sympathetic joy. Perhaps, someday, I'll decide its worth my time to not swear, do drugs, and not engage in sexual misconduct, like the Buddha advised. But until my own logic decides these things are not worth my time, I'll continue to be a down-ass motherfucker. I fancy myself a psychonaut with a passion for mindfulness. This way I don't trip when I have to beat some fool's ass. Compassion, to me, has always come in many forms.

Suicide

I'm almost certain I'm going to eventually kill myself. I want to not suffer so much, and this seems like the only way. Plus, I'm really impulsive.

I have a strong urge to kill myself right now cuz I'm feeling uncomfortable about having to do shit i hate. School is too hard, I have to stop going. But, I can't work. The only realistic option i have is living on SSI for the rest of my life. I'm sure I'll do this, i just have no idea how much longer it's going to be.

I don't want to cause other people pain with my suicide. This is why I haven't done it yet. Plus, I don't know what happens after death. I assume it's just like before I was born. Nothing. That sounds like heaven, but what if i just don't remember what I was doing?

I guess it's a possibility, but I have no idea.

Suicide is always seen as something bad, but maybe it will be the best choice I ever make. Or, maybe, like I've done in the past, I'll just keep feeling the pain and hope that it stops. It always stops eventually. My moods change really fast. Within one day I can go from dancing by myself to feeling suicidal. Like, a totally normal day.

Life has been such a dissapointment I don't know if I can hang. I mean, I could, Im just not convinced I'll choose to. uh, whatever. i'll just smoke a cigarette now and maybe feel like dancing in five minutes.

I scared chico and he's hiding under the couch now. I'm definitely not fit to be a paretnt: another major dissapointment. Oh well, I regret being born, my kid probably would too...

Manic as a Motherfucker

I've been feeling pretty manic this past week, but it really caught up with me today. I haven't been taking my risperdal over the passt couple months, minus the past few days, but I really should have been.

I stopped cuz I hate how it makes me lethargic and gain weight. Tomorrow, however, I'll be back at mental health to get a shot of Risperdal Consta.

I burst out into tears a few minutes ago while considering the loss that I experience from being mentally ill. I'll probably never get to be a dad or support myself financially. These common things are way beyond my ability as a mentally ill person. It's sad for me. I want a family, and I want to be able to take care of other people, but I know I don't really have the ability to be that stable and reliable. I hate being mentally ill. It's by far the worst thing that's ever happened to me. It's also hard for the rest of my family. My dad told me that dealing with my illness was the hardest thing he's ever done, and that included leaving his wife, and life, to be gay. This is tough shit.

I can't keep up with my classes. I couldn't go today cuz I was trippin' so hard. I also couldn't keep my mind still enough to do the homework. As I type this, I'm thinknig much faster than usual, and having trouble typing to keep up with my racing mind.

RRR. I hate this shit. I fucking hate my mind and it makes me wanna kill myself so much. Normies should wake up and thank their lucky stars every mourning. Actually, life seems to suck for just about everyone, so fuck your lucky stars. They aren't really lucky... just balls of gas, right? Maybe someone stole my lucky stars.

Oh well, on a lighter note, I'm really glad I have chico on days liek this. I didn't see anyone I know today, and it's great to have chico's light presence always around. We hiked today, on the lemon grove trail. It was pretty nice. I really needed to move, and chico was right behind! Gotta love that chihuahua :)